[[*---Swirling in the abyss of Darkness---*]]

Thursday, August 17, 2006

[[way way down.]]

honestly...i've nvr felt so down before...mayb i did 2 years ago...i really wanna shout it out loud...shout it all out. bud i cnt. let me die...let a car knock me down...let a television fall on me...let me trip and fall off a building...i really dun mind. yet once again...i cnt...cos thr are far too many things to be taken into consideration. things dat happened which caused me to be unable to do wht i wan. treat my life as the flame on a candle...blow me out pls. sometimes its juz far too tormenting. no one wud ever understand dis the way i do. no one wud ever noe wht im gng through. even if u knew...doubt u cn feel the way i do. no one wud care anyway...mayb only a few. im too tired to tink of it...im rather brain dead...

so many things gng through my mind right now...clogging it up...obstructing the processes...so im rather brain dead right now. dno wht to think abt first...it juz swarms up all at once. one moment im thinking abt dis...another moment im thinking abt dat. why is dis happening.

i honestly dun wanna think anymore...someone juz shoot me.

im really scared u noe. frankly...im terrified. i dno why bud dats the way im feeling. a sense of loneliness falls upon me like nvr before...u noe the kind of feeling u get when even though u are amongst everyone...u feel as if u're alone. yea...its frightening. i noe thr are frenz out thr who cares...1..2..or mayb 3...surely both hands wud be more den enuff to count. most probably even one hand wud be enuff. tink im shivering. heart pounding. i cn even vaguely hear my own breath admist the sound of the keyboard. juz whr did everyone do to...

kinda feel dat being polite and stuffs isnt at all impt now. its actually dumb and stuck up. why not say fuck? why not? c'mon lets all learn to say the word fuck. who cares who u say it in front of. isnt everyone using dat word. girls and guys alike...let juz say fuck to each other. i've nvr felt dis way before. WHO CARES WHETHER U HAVE A GOOD ATTITUDE AT ALL OR MIND YOUR WORDS IN TIMES WHEN U SHOULD?! it doesnt seem to make a diff. no one dun really seem to notice or care anyway. vulgar u call it...so be it...it aint a crime.

pls...throw me outta my hse...i dun wanna be thr. i really dun wanna be home. home isnt like it used to be...it will nvr be...why has it changed so much...why must things happen...why why why. endless questions. m i finally losing it? argh...i hav so much more to say yet i dno how to put em in words. im weeping yet no tears fall...im being pierced yet no blood shows...all i noe is dat it truly hurts...end my torment...pls.

blow me out like a candle.
__fiEryhA__

[[ Branched ]]*|10:17 PM|

Thursday, August 10, 2006

[[mask.]]

doubt im gna do the thing already...cos im sick and tired of it...nt worth my effort. thus i've taken the previous post off. so now no one nids to noe wht i had planned to do.

interesting thing isnt it...a mask that is. to some ppl...hiding behind a mask cn mean protection and security for his/herself...yet the fact dat u are hiding behind a mask means dat ppl will nvr noe who u really are...until it is taken off. hypocrites are also some of those who hide behind a mask...bud for the absolute wrong reasons. dey are those who appear to be nice yet unfortunately dat isnt their true nature. honestly i'd rather mingle wid those who act mean behind a mask...thinking dat only dat way ppl wud keep away frm dem...so dat dey cn be locked within their own thoughts...either to prevent others frm getting hurt...or to prevent themselves frm getting hurt.at least u noe dat these ppl mean no harm to u. in dis case...a mask is deemed essential...a must, in fact. without it...somee things wud nt be forgotten...without a mask...life might nt even be able to go on. thr's an ugly side to all of us...no one is prefect...dats why we're humans. life aint easy for ppl behind a mask...some ppl cn only be themselves when dey are outta home...some only when they're at home...some only when they're only...as for the rest...dey might nvr hav a chance to be themselves. i for one do not believe in the crap dat time cn heal all wounds...i only believe it cn be numbed...bud nvr healed. a wound is a wound...whether or not ppl cn see it...u noe dat its thr. a vase smashed cn always be replaced wid a new vase...bud a heart smashed is one dat cnt be replaced. its honestly tiring to hide behind a mask...having to smile even when u dun feel like it...having to put on a brave front...having to show all arnd u dat u've let it go. having done it for so long...one wud be so used to the pretence dat he/she might even be conned by his/her act...and to believe dat u hav fully healed. bud deep down...deep deep down. he/she is fully aware dat its stiu thr.

fireworks at ndp2006 was da bomb. totally rawked.

death is bud the beginning to all sorrows.
__fiEryhA__

[[ Branched ]]*|2:35 AM|

Friday, August 04, 2006

[[really?]]

ppl often say dat one might burst or suffer frm mental breakdowns if he/she bottled too much within...bud how true cn dat be. it all boils down to whether the person cn or cnt control his/her thoughts to ensure sanity. those weaker ones...if dey understand dat dey are unable to do so...shld honestly find someone to pour their troubles to...while the btr ones...choose to share. sometimes...when a person refuse to share his/her secrets...it doesnt necessarily mean dat he/she doesnt trust the other party...thr are also other factors to be taken into consideration. it might be bcos the nature of the secrets might be a little disturbing and cn affect the other party's mood. if i was a plant cell...i wud be turgid with thoughts...and basically for the records...im honestly nt veh pessimistic...im juz realistic.

many a times...we hav to juz be true to ourselves...understand dat some things are juz impossible. mayb things are juz btr dis way...if u noe u cnt do it btr...den forget abt it. being realistic aint so bad at times...u noe...since u are expecting the worst...everything dat happen nxt wud either be expected or btr then expect wht. u juz do ur best...do wht u always do...and rmb to be true to urself. im truly contented juz to be able to help when needed...whether or not it changes things...i dun mind.

im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid

hmmm...100 im dumb im stupid...and trust me...i typed them all out...nt copy and paste...kinda hard to count.

understand dat things wud be better kept dis way.
(*_fiEryhA_*)

[[ Branched ]]*|8:17 PM|