hey buddy...its been a long time ehh. just when i thought this place wouldnt be needed anymore.
things just dun seem to feel right anymore. BT1 is over...did relatively better compared to MSA obviously...though nothing close to satisfactory. suddenly realised that time flies right after the busy period even though i feel more relaxed...already a week have passed since the end of BT. feels like i've been wasting my time. not a good feeling.
im sitting alone in the room right now...with the lights turned off...and the music blasting. the feeling of solitude engulfs me...ever so often...ever so familiar. familiar. is it because i actually enjoy the feeling of seclusion...to be away from it all...whether as a form of escaping from reality...or just the inability to be with others. either way...i must have gotten quite used to this feeling...for it no longer scares me. many say they understand what i am going through and how often they feel it too...but how many honestly understand my position? do they even have the slightest clue as to my life and problems?
i seriously doubt that anyone i know at all have to live the way i have to...to carry on the burden of expectations from many...to be literally forced to grow up. to have every move watched by many...every move judged by many...every move restricted by responsibilities. there is no room for mistakes at all under such situations...no room to breathe...and its finally taking its toll on me. how very often i feel the urge to give up...fearing the uncertainty of the future and not being strong enough to face up to it...afraid of failing. ha...the irony of this world...to have me forced to grow up...to learn to be strong and independent...but in actual fact...am i? even i doubt myself...but apparently the facade i have put up around me have allowed me to elude this question. allowing others too to be convinced that i am fully capable and in control. maybe thats why i have 2sides to me...not that i have any idea which is the so termed normal side. one is most probably the result of having to grow up and be tough on the outside...to not show weakness and prove that i do not need people worrying over me. the other...i guess..would be the side that never wants to grow up...to want to live life as before...without worries and stress...
more problems seem to be rising and more questions raised...mainly within me..questioning myself. to come to a conclusion that i am not worthy..that im far from being worthy. so much work to be done...sacrifices and disciplines that i have to lay down. how am i ever going to prove myself? to give up have always been ringing in my mind...whenever i think of the road i have ahead of me...the long journey ahead..which would only prove to get tougher for me as it goes on. but i have no other alternatives...absolutely no other choice at all...everything hangs on me...there is no escape for me from this form of life. i did not ask for it and neither do i want it...it fell onto me...and the only thing i can do...is to shoulder it on...in order to bring hope to others and not disappoint those with hopes in me...hopefully.
in search of acknowledgement. to prove my worthiness. to not disappoint.
x--01/03/90 pisces
x--seventeen
x--olvl 9pointer LOL
x--eccentric and abnormal
x--fiery_blue@hotmail.com
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