swirling in the abyss of darkness-

god's joke.

2008-05-01T12:51:00.002+08:00

the beings of higher power...if they even exist...are at times true sadists...determined to screwed up every single part of our lives and those around us. after doing it...all the explaination thats given is that everything happens for a reason. but are the things happening what we want...if it isnt...why is it happening. are we truly living our lives the way we want it...or are we living our lives the way someone else wants it. if everything truly happens for a reason...if we were really controlled by fate...destiny...if we all just let nature take its course...why are we all doing what we do now. shouldnt we all stop work..stop our lives...and just see what happens to us. but then again...by that time they'll yet be saying that this is happening for a reason...its our fate to be doing it at this particular instant.

another joke from them...is also to let those who deserve to die live...and those who deserve to live die. why arent they trying to make the world a better place...a stronger place. shouldnt the good ones be the ones allowed to live...shouldnt the weak and bad ones die. if they are truly controlling us and our actions...i believe they suck at what they do. won't the world be better off without me...but with you instead...so much more that you could have done unlike me...the way u lived life without fear and regrets...so much that i could have learnt from you...but alas the cruel twist of fate. its just like the lyrics of the song Colors Of The Wind...how high does the sycamore grow...if you cut it down...then you'll never know....just like how i'll never know about it anymore.

just some random rantings...

back again.

2008-03-31T02:23:00.001+08:00

hey buddy...its been a long time ehh. just when i thought this place wouldnt be needed anymore.

things just dun seem to feel right anymore. BT1 is over...did relatively better compared to MSA obviously...though nothing close to satisfactory. suddenly realised that time flies right after the busy period even though i feel more relaxed...already a week have passed since the end of BT. feels like i've been wasting my time. not a good feeling.

im sitting alone in the room right now...with the lights turned off...and the music blasting. the feeling of solitude engulfs me...ever so often...ever so familiar. familiar. is it because i actually enjoy the feeling of seclusion...to be away from it all...whether as a form of escaping from reality...or just the inability to be with others. either way...i must have gotten quite used to this feeling...for it no longer scares me. many say they understand what i am going through and how often they feel it too...but how many honestly understand my position? do they even have the slightest clue as to my life and problems?

i seriously doubt that anyone i know at all have to live the way i have to...to carry on the burden of expectations from many...to be literally forced to grow up. to have every move watched by many...every move judged by many...every move restricted by responsibilities. there is no room for mistakes at all under such situations...no room to breathe...and its finally taking its toll on me. how very often i feel the urge to give up...fearing the uncertainty of the future and not being strong enough to face up to it...afraid of failing. ha...the irony of this world...to have me forced to grow up...to learn to be strong and independent...but in actual fact...am i? even i doubt myself...but apparently the facade i have put up around me have allowed me to elude this question. allowing others too to be convinced that i am fully capable and in control. maybe thats why i have 2sides to me...not that i have any idea which is the so termed normal side. one is most probably the result of having to grow up and be tough on the outside...to not show weakness and prove that i do not need people worrying over me. the other...i guess..would be the side that never wants to grow up...to want to live life as before...without worries and stress...

more problems seem to be rising and more questions raised...mainly within me..questioning myself. to come to a conclusion that i am not worthy..that im far from being worthy. so much work to be done...sacrifices and disciplines that i have to lay down. how am i ever going to prove myself? to give up have always been ringing in my mind...whenever i think of the road i have ahead of me...the long journey ahead..which would only prove to get tougher for me as it goes on. but i have no other alternatives...absolutely no other choice at all...everything hangs on me...there is no escape for me from this form of life. i did not ask for it and neither do i want it...it fell onto me...and the only thing i can do...is to shoulder it on...in order to bring hope to others and not disappoint those with hopes in me...hopefully.

in search of acknowledgement. to prove my worthiness. to not disappoint.

ouch.

2008-01-04T22:14:00.000+08:00

damn...been siting in front of the comp for so long already...yet i have no idea what to type. so many things i want to say...to get them off my chest...yet somehow i feel that this is not the place for it. its suffocating...maybe im just plain thinking too much...testing the limits of my mentality. all feelings coalescing into a mass of suffering that knocks me breathless...ripping my head and heart apart...

give up...nothing much i can do here anyway...i will be better off watching tv. zzz

__zhihao ..

2008

2008-01-01T15:10:00.000+08:00

happy new year...wonder whats in store this year...zzz.

well..at least i posted on the first day of 2008...

shall see how the year unfolds from now on...day by day...hopefully all is and will be well.

should start thinking of my new year resolutions now...at least before school starts.

im sure its gonna be one hell of a year...rushing like mad and passing in a flash..

please let it pass with as little regrets as possible...

14th dec.

2007-12-14T00:31:00.000+08:00

wow...its the 14th of december already...4 years without. for the past few years...its like...either coincidence or something...i've been able to have plans on this day...to be preoccupied to think about anything else...it was suppose to be the same this year...but guess fate has other plans for me. to suddenly make me available today. freaky.

weird to have this day without u...but i guess it's already been awhile since i last saw u...so i guess i should make a visit. wonder who i'll meet there...quite sure there will be people. she msged me today too...surprisingly...suddenly...unexpectedly. hopefully my replies werent too weird...wonder if i'll get to see her tomorrow.

aye...at least u made both dates kinda close to each other i guess...only apart by 3months.

ARGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

happy birthday.

exhaustion.

2007-11-25T02:04:00.001+08:00

days have been fulfilling recently...going out early in the morning...and only to return late at night. been working for a few days...think its a great thing. working allows me to keep my mind off things...things that i do not wish to deal with or be reminded off...it allows you an alternative space to put all your energy into...so that you would return home finally...exhausted...too tired to even start thinking about things. exhaustion can be such an important feeling at times. not to mention with the help of trainings.

wondering.
with each coming day,
i walk by and never stay,
never once to look back,
for all it does is make me sad,

unknowingly.
to be lost in the train of thoughts,
wondering what is fine and what is not,
but to be engulfed by memories,
that seems to come by with the breeze,

in reality.
though painful and sad they might be,
filled with sorrows as you can see,
yet...
they will always be etched in me,
constantly reminding how cruel life can be,

all in all.
with love comes lost,
with lost comes pain,
with pain comes sorrow,
with sorrow comes learning,
with learning comes growing,

still.
life goes on and thats a fact.
hate it, love it...live it.

__fiEryhA__

nothing.

2007-11-18T23:00:00.000+08:00

aye...about a quarter of the holidays are gone already...and i havent really done much. been busy with track stuffs...track board...banner...open house...and of course training. holiday assignments have not been touched at all...obviously...i don't even know what assignments are to be done...but heck...its only a quarter of the holidays...right...?

open house was boring...its like more j1s are around compared to the sec4s...figure that. what a negative impression to give to the sec4s who WERE interested...and how weird was it...that the school find linkin park songs noisy...compared to retarded irritating tunes like UMBRELLA -.-"

its been boring hanging around at home...in front of the tv like the whole day...if not the computer...watching movies after movies...not that im complaining but it really gets boring...caught a lot of nice shows. well...at least there was some fun at home recently...people coming to play mahjong...and i made a new friend...sort of. she seems a fun person. though i lost money -.-"

thinking positive...kind of hard...considering the truth have already been shoved into my face...proving me wrong. in this case...wanting to be positive...would mean to deceive myself...isn't it? since i've always been being positive about it...until now.

for once in a very long time...i stopped by the place yet again...late at night.

always waiting and wishing for the impossible to happen...

thinking.

2007-11-09T00:37:00.000+08:00

what if i fail...what if im not up to it...what will happen then?

aye...

change.

2007-10-30T00:48:00.000+08:00

it seems amazing how i dun seem to be frightened or affected by it...especially the particular place...which i inevitably pass by every single day. why not? i do not have the answer to that question too...how i wish i knew. but perhaps its better...maybe it means that time have indeed diluted the memory...though...i dun really want it to. what has happened...happened...and apparently will never change for anything. though obviously i can choose to change my present...my future...if i wanted to and if i tried hard enough...but whats the point when i have no idea what i want. and its not always just to work towards something that you want...sometimes...its just not right. so anyway...enough bullshit.

yesterday is history.
tomorrow is a mystery.
today is a gift.

__fiEryhA__

aye...

2007-10-15T01:50:00.000+08:00

inevitably...just as i knew it would happen...we ventured into the topic about him once again. though this time its abit different...it was thinking about him from the prespective of another close. i always knew that it could never be forgotten completely even though its already been close to 4yrs...for there were too much at stake...too much put into it to be erased from the mind. but hearing that she teared over it yet again...after all these time...was just heartwrenching. i could do nothing else but to remain calm and unaffected...i had to show that i was stronger...that it doesnt bother me anymore...that it never did...so that they wouldnt have to worry about me.

it also made me realise how important she was to me...that what would i do if she was gone one day. it scares me to even think about it...when it seems that every part of my life involved her...i really hope that day would never come.

then it was also the first time that i seriously looked at him going off. how much i realised he aged...and yet still had to be away from us...all alone. it was as though he was leaving for the first time...as i watched his image getting smaller and smaller...suddenly i wished that he didnt have to go and wondered what would my life be like if only he had been here all these time.

no idea what i am talking about...but i am sleepy..zzz

trapped in a fragmented loop of unease and despair.
__fiEryhA__

random

2007-09-22T23:19:00.001+08:00

as darkness creeps up upon me...my heart cries out into the silent night bove...sorrows enclosed...with every single beating. the flow of life within felt distant as body and soul drfited apart unknowingly...leaving behind nothing but an empty shell. the sky overhead clear...blank...and though it held no answers at all...it was nonetheless captivating. staring intently into it takes u into another world...which felt like swirling in the abyss of darkness...no restrictions...no worries...no noise...only serenity present to accompany. time would come to a standstill and the world freezes before me as i immerse in my own thoughts...reminiscing about the ever unforgetable past.

gone hath the days of old...as new memories are being created each and every day while past memories are being stowed away at the back of my mind. people often want to forget about the unhappy pasts and only remember the good old times...but yet in reality...it is contradicting as unfortunate events are usually the ones which leave an indelible mark in our memory compared to blissful memories. it is never possible to isolate certain portions of our memory in order to lead a more fulfilling life...but it is possible to create as many joyous ones while we can. though saying is one thing...doing is another.

bored.

2007-09-20T21:56:00.001+08:00

You entered: Seah Zhi Hao
There are 10 letters in your name.
Those 10 letters total to 55
There are 5 vowels and 5 consonants in your name.

Your number is: 1

The characteristics of #1 are: Initiating action, pioneering, leading, independent, attaining, individual.

The expression or destiny for #1:
A number 1 Expression denotes the skilled executive with keen administrative capabilities. You must develop the capacity to be a fine leader, sales executive, or promoter. You have the tools to become an original person with a creative approach to problem solving, and a penchant for initiating action. Someone may have to follow behind you to handle the details, but you know how to get things going and make things happen. You have a good mind and the ability to use it for your advancement. Because of these factors, you have much potential for achievement and financial rewards. Frequently, this expression belongs to one running a business or striving to achieve a level of accomplishment on ones talents and efforts. You have little need for much supervision, preferring to act on your own with little restraint. You are both ambitious and determined. Self-confident and self-reliant must be yours, as you develop a strong unyielding will and the courage of your convictions.

Although you fear loneliness, you want to be left alone. You fear routine and being in a rut. You often jump the gun because you are afraid of being left behind.

The negative attributes of the 1 Expression are egotism and a self-centered approach to life. This is an aggressive number and if it is over-emphasized it is very hard to live with. You do not have to be overly aggressive to fulfill your destiny. The 1 has a natural instinct to dominate and to be the boss; adhering to the concept of being number One. Again, you do not have to dominate and destroy in order to lead and manage.

Your Soul Urge number is: 22

A Soul Urge number of 22 means:
The Soul Urge of the master number 22 is very much that of the master builder. You would like to use your abilities in an important humanitarian undertaking, and have an innate desire is to express the significant power you feel in a concrete manner, as a builder, engineer, diplomat, etc. In some way you want to make a considerable contribution to the world.

The 22 gives a broad, universal outlook with a rather practical and common-sense approach. You have especially high intelligence, with an unusual perception and awareness. This number often denotes a high degree of diplomatic abilities and high ideals. You are a very capable person and you may possess special leadership abilities that you can and should develop. People respect you and recognize your superior foresight and vision.

The negative side of the 22 soul urge is a high degree of nervous energy and a tendency to be very dominating. It is unfortunate that all who possess the urge of 22 do not use its energies to the greatest advantage; but then it should be recognized that these energies are understandably the most difficult to focus and direct.

Your Inner Dream number is: 6

An Inner Dream number of 6 means:
You dream of guiding and fostering the perfect family in the perfect home. You crave the devotion from offspring and a loving spouse. You picture yourself in the center of a successful domestic unit.

prove.

2007-08-08T21:22:00.001+08:00

seeing that its been almost a month since i last posted...i thought i should just add a random post to show that this place is not dead.

aye its been busy...i tink...or maybe i've been lazy...zzz.

well...im getting sick of the skin already...so hopefully i am able to find a new one soon...when i have the time.

ok...i have totally nothing else to say...so...thats that.

longing.

2007-07-09T21:23:00.000+08:00

its been great to have crapped a whole deal(maybe its just a short time for others...and didnt really talk much...)with the marvellous bunch of canoeists today...even though not everyone was present...but it was definitely one of the most enjoyable chats i've ever had for quite a long time already...the bond i have fostered with the jolly bunch of u for the 5mths that i've been in was truly unforgettable...i stiu remember being like strangers with u guys in the first mth..bud after months of sweating and enduring hardships...with our friendship growing stronger after each training...u guys have turned out to be the best bunch of people that i'd think i'll get to know in sajc...its been truly a blessing to have known u people. even the j2s...the lot of guys that i often chat with...u were seriously very great seniors that i'm very proud to have once had. its been sad to have been kicked outta the team because of asthma...guess if i put in more effort during trainings and in secondary school i might have been able to overcome it...then i could have been able to strive on with u guys...

after 5months of school already...obviously its been very hard for me to adapt to track and field...even though its been my cca since primary school...but its like suddenly being thrown into a whole new environment...having to learn everything all over again...meet new ppl...and TRY to make new friends...and the worst thing of all is that there are only 2 j2 throwers...and one j1 thrower...its a very lonely and isolated section of the cca...the most lonely in fact...considering thr's a few different sections like long dist and sprinters...i sincerely believe that thr is no other cca in this school that is as lonely as where i am now...i can never enjoy the kind of team spirit and bonding we had in canoeing...when everything we did...we did together as one...to sweat as one...to fight as one...to unite as one. everyone in track already know each other...already bonded together and made their clicks...im just like a bastard who wandered into another person's home...finding acceptance. although when i first entered...dey told me that dey placed utmost importance in building team spirit and bonding...but its obviously damn hard when different sections have their own trainings.

being with people in track is nothing...nothing at all...compared to being with u guys...crapping all together and messing around...not to mention the diehard trainings that we have had together...although i know that its peanuts compared to what u guys are having now...but it was stiu nonetheless a very special part of my memory...one of the most valuable gift i've been presented with in sajc...something at least...to give me a reason to smile...when i look back on the times i've spent in sajc after we graduate...

cheers to canoeing...the best cca i've ever had...and will ever have :')

ps:seriously u guys cn ask me go canoeists outing de...i really wun mind...lolx

time will never turn...history will nvr be remade...regrets would nvr be fulfilled.
__fiEryhA__

2007-07-08T14:35:00.000+08:00

Your Expression Number is 1

You have the skills to be a top executive or businessperson.
But first you must develop your natural capacity to be a good leader.
You are truly original - with a creative approach to life and a very sharp mind.

You reach for the sky, and you have the potential to reach it.
Assertive and straight forward, you have little need for supervision.
You are self-confident, self-reliant, and courageous in your convictions.

While you sometimes fear loneliness, you prefer to be left alone.
A bit self centered, you may be hard to life with at times.
You also have a strong dominant streak - which can push others away at times.

What's Your Expression Number?

DEVIL.

2007-07-02T23:04:00.000+08:00

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

dumb.

2007-06-21T22:02:00.000+08:00

isn't it interesting...that whenever u meet something unfortunate in your life or encounter any unhappy incidents...u would curse the rotten world and hope that it didn't happen. but then...after some time...u chance upon something joyful...something u might deem as the best thing that ever happened to you. would you then...at this time...ever feel that everything bad that happened to you...all the bad days...all the pain and hurt you've suffered...was worth it as it all led to you receiving the wonderful gift of life now. well...even though its kind of true...but there's always two sides to everything. u might be pleased with what u have gotten at this point because of a bad decision...but think again. would things be even better if u had made the correct decision in the first place...would it lead to a much brighter future...a happier one...and u actually blew it. nvm...its the way pessimists think. but at least its an optimisstic kind of pessimistic thought. ahh...i seriously miss you. whenever i think of the past...it always felt as though those things happened just yesterday...but yet you are here no more. its been awhile...times have moved on...things have changed...leaving behind only but a fragment of the past to allow me for reminiscence...fragments which seemed to have aged...worn down...being on the brink of dissipation. by the time that happens...i would no longer have any support to cling on...nothing to remind me of you. so i am going to do all i can to salvage any memories that i can lay hands on...not letting them slip through my fingers ever...to keep them close to my heart...to keep you close to my heart.

i remember that when it was still raw...the things we did together...all the habits fights and squabbels that we had gotten used to. it came almost naturally for me to come to you...only to come crashing down back to reality...cold hard reality...to face the fact that you are no longer there. seriously...there were times...that something that happened to me...things that i would usually confide in you or look to you immediately...like when watching a show on tv...when something funny or familiar occurs...i would turn to you...then we would exchange gazes and understand what was on our minds...then we would laugh together...the chemistry and all that we nurture throughout the years. the feeling was almost weird...it was as though...i dunno...as though it was all a magic act...all the memories of your existence was but an illusion...a hallucination...all a dream...and i had woken up from it...only to leave you to vanish as though u werent here in the first place. there was definitely not enough time we had together...to cherish each other...to let you know how much i cared and loved you. there was so much left undone...so many dreams to fulfill together...a vast and bright future that lies ahead for us to venture. but nvm...its no longer possible anymore...it was all but a lie.

times without you by my side at first was truly scary. i had never...not even once...picture this ever happening to me...i was used to having you by my side...to help me with my problems...well i guess i was being overdependent...and now that you are gone...i just simply fell...i didnt know what to do...what my next step was going to be...i was confused lost and frightened...the kind of fear was different from being afraid of ghosts or the dark or anything else...i have no words to describe it...guess that would be something that you would only understand if only you experienced it. days went past as i felt that i was learning everything all over again...it was like a child being thrown into the deep end of the pool without an adult...a guardian angel to watch over...and the only thing he can depend on is himself...to learn to survive by himself. it was exactly what i had to do...no more having someone ahead to "test" the surroundings to see whether it was safe and to give any sound advice...i had to do everything by myself. but the biggest obstacle i had to cross was the absence of your presence. to go on day by day without ever being able to see you again...always praying that you would pop by in my dreams. this had also been the main reason why i keep thinking about what would be different if only you were still around...which roughly explains the dumb opening paragraph. but mainly cause i believe that you would have been able to bring me much more happiness then i could have ever gotten in my life...absolutely nothing in this world...could be exchanged for...to part you from my life...if only it was my decision to make...if only...

everyday holds true for potential beauty.
__fiEryhA__

ending.

2007-06-21T19:30:00.000+08:00

well the holidays are ending yehh...and damn first thing back is common test...which for you info i havent studied at all for...whether or not you guys believe. i doubt you guys will believe...cause it will make ya'll feel better when my marks still win u guys rite...lolx. haiz....nvm its mainly cause i juz cnt get into the mood to study...and when you're not in the mood...nth juz seem to get into ur head...so might as well not try to study...waste of time...might as well spend it on enjoying myself first yehh...till i get the feel.

any damn the com sux...stupid tagboard not working...so...dis is actually a golden opportunity for u ppl out there...if there is something u wanna say to me...juz go to msn and tok to me man...instead of juz tagging here...at least it ensures u get a faster reply...and it give YOU a chance to chat with ME....yehh...u are the lucky one. so dun say i didnt give u ppl any chance to get to know me btr ya...hahah.

peace. out.
__fiEryhA__

hols

2007-05-28T03:14:00.000+08:00

well...its finally the june hols. hmm i realised what was supposed to be a damn busy and hectic holiday have suddenly turned slack due to an unfortunate incident....but no matter...im sure that there would be things for me to do...at least thats what i think. i wont be able to go sweat it out and train hard with u guys already...i wont even be there to watch u guys at work...but remember that my spirit will always be with all of you...so train real hard for the upcoming competitions yeh? sadly the times when there are land training clashes so i cannot be there...and obviously the other water trainings...no need for me to further elaborate.

holidays suck cos it aint even a real holiday...its more like the period of break from school before common test. the time when people like me decide on whether to try out our luck...to study only at the last minute so that we enjoy more...or to start revision early and be fully prepared but not enjoying the holiday well. i havent decided. but dun think i will choose to revise...it just aint my style.

its also a break from the new jc life...which i find uber boring from all the lectures and tutorials and especially the damn project work in which i got a f-ed up group...which damn group have the guys working their asses off while the girls are like total retardos. might as well juz put 3names in the group and leave the other 2 girls to die...sometimes we dun even know whether they understand what is going on. thankfully i got a great class with a bunch of great buddies.

with so much free time now...especially the freedom to slp late and wake up late. it give us more time to fully enjoy the night...erm not the dirty way. as in...only during the night...especially late into the night like when im writing this post...when everything is so quiet and serene...no disturbance at all...the only noise now is your favorite emo music blasting in your ears...and u stand by the window...looking up and staring at the moon illuminating the dark night. doesnt it seem so familiar...the feeling of a glimmer of hope when u're lost in the abyss of darkness...looks the same doesnt it? its like the best time when u start reflecting on the past...things that happened recently...maybe some things u did that u regret...some things that u havent done...things that make u sad...that make u happy. i guess it juz reminds me of last saturday...but well...its over isnt it...nothing much left for me to think about it...except to relish the memories we all made together in these few short months. doubt i'll ever find such bonds and frenship in track n field...that should be the thing that i would miss the most. hope dat we wun drift away from each other until eventually that special feeling is gone...that is usually what happens in the future after we've been seperated.

mmm its a windy nite...thats nice...i juz feel so tired...tired from fighting everything against me...tired against fighting the inevitable...tired against fighting myself. but that the way life is isnt it? filled with ups and downs...obstacles one after another...never giving us a break from it...always full of surprises be it good or bad. i believe that i've already experience a fair share of seriously bad times...things which most peers dun experience...but im sure there would be worse to face in the future...let it come...

Life is a mystery that takes a lifetime to unravel.
__fiEryhA__

sudden.

2007-05-19T22:14:00.000+08:00

wow...its been a long time since i last posted. tink i might be posting more often liao...with the extra time dat im gonna have...i trust some of u noe wht im tokin abt.

well it was juz so sudden...so unexpected. i didnt realise dat was all the time i was given to change...to improve...to overcome my own problem. bud anw...its all too late now ehh. its already been 5mths now...might seem like such a short time...bud the times we spent together would nvr be forgotten...all the sweat and hardship dat we endured together. well...now its up to u guys to carry on the journey...mine ended le.

tinking back abt the past...looking at the remains of wht u hav left behind...i seriously wonder how my life wud be different from now. its already been a few yrs and i've kinda gotten used to not having u arnd anymore. every memory...every emotion...buried deep within.

nvm its late and im lazy...nxt time den post another one.

sleepy -.-"

2007-03-28T22:25:00.000+08:00

dis is weird man...in sec3 and 4 i usually cnt get to slp even at 2 or 3am...but now...im actually able to fall aslp at 10plus! or rather...im feeling bloody slpy every single second im awake and im falling aslp nearly everywhr...during tutorials...lectures...on the bus...while slacking...watching tv...and especially at the sight of books (duhh -.-") seriously its not a good thing man...i cnt concentrate well at all while im like dat lahh.

haiz...jc life is making me sick man. considering the fact dat dey are promoting more independent learning...im suppose to be dng my revisions often and pay attention during lessons...both of which i totally suck at. in the past at least even if i dun pay attention or do revisions...i cn stiu piah at the end and manage to pass. i keep tinking of wht life wud be like if i went to poly lahh...bud nvm abt dat...since im in jc liao...boh bian.

now taking 3h2 and 1h1...seriously i nid to consider carefully which one i wan to piah for h3...chem or maths? as a jc student i tink its very impt for me to hav one lahh...it'll btr ensure my future in a gd uni and also a h3 subject will also help improve on my h2 subject, like our tchr said. like dat if i mug like mad i'll at least hav a fighting chance to hav as many As as 4h2 students...while only taking 3subjects to be exact. bud now...given my attitude...im not dng any homework...im not dng any revision...everyday go lessons plus training i also die liao...also not paying attention during lect and tutorials. how to get gd grades and get a h3 lehh u tell me. aye...im so tired everyday...i juz wan to slp lahh...how to study...zzzz.

life is kinda getting damn stressful. most of which comes frm my damn cca, canoeing. basically...i love the bloody sport...thr are times which i totally dig it...i cn feel like dis is the one cca for me man...not to mention the aim of getting into shape and being able to get dat SAJC TEAM shirt...only given to sportsmen who represents the college in competitions. wun dat be damn zai. bud then agn...thr are also times when i totally hate being in the cca...either cos of the ppl in it or cos im finding an excuse to say dat i cnt take the training. whoever noes me wud noe dat i simply hate running...simply hate it. bud no choice canoeing hav to run. so it makes me so tempted to just quit and end all the torment...not to mention the amt of freedom i hav to sacrifice for the 4days per week training schedule. then thr's also the fitness part. im juz a plain fat average kid who cnt run or do pullups...unfortunately both of which are most impt in the army napfa and of cos canoeing. its like...i hav been through almost 3mths of training already...yet i stiu cnt do pullups...how weak is dat. i envy those who are able to do pullups...for some unknown reason i find it cool to be able to do it...mayb cos im unable to do so. how long more of training wud i hav to go through before im able to do a decent number of em...instead of always being stuck at only one...its damn pathetic. and for the ppl part... all my frenz pangseh me in like 1 or 2mths only...leaving me alone in thr to fend for myself. basically im like invisible to the rest...dey are obviously oblivious to my existence. u noe how damn irritated and frustrating issit to feel leftout? its always hanging by their mouth dat our cca is a team cca...and our team of J1s are full of team spirit...bud why am i not feeling it the love. for instance the 2nd intake cca day today...it was suppose to be done by us J1s. the prep for it of cos started like mayb a wk ago? (how wud i noe...im being leftout rmb?) anw...the pt is dat im nvr informed of anything happening...almost every info i only get on the day itself. like we had diff jobs to be allocated...like being in charge of the banners...activities...promotions and stuffs...i was nearly not involved in anything at all. i was kinda involved in the banner cos juz nice dey did it after training when im actually arnd. bud for the dng of charts or flyers or activities...i didnt noe abt them at all until its way over and everything is rdy...yes i noe i might not be of any use...bud at least let me in on the news rite. im also damn pissed off by the fact dat when dey're dng the job allocations...no one thought of me at all...doubt dey tink i cn be of any help to em...bud juz to give me face...dey placed my job under "misc", which basically translates to dng nth...just sit back and watch them do it all. to sum it all up...if not for hanming being in canoeing...and dat i kinda love the sport and wan to master it...i wud seriously quit asap. its like hanming said he helped me put in alot of gd words during the 1st intake especially for selection test...den 3 of us joined during 1st intake so everyone noes hanming got 3juniors frm his sku in the cca...den 2quit liao left me...i feel obliged to stay...if i quit..den hanming wud be like damn no face wht...rite? so i was like tinking heck care everyone in the cca...try to be by myself...a loner in the cca...bud juz grit hard and hang in thr.but its always so sickening to walk at the back of the pack alone...watching the rest chat it up with one another...being the slowest runner with the worst stamina...trying my very best to just keep up with the rest...watch in envy as dey improve in their fitness and do pullups...im just praying if i dun pon anymore trainings especially water trainings...i wud fully focus and train hard to be hopefully one of the best in the team...im already lagging behind the rest of those enthu ppl who haven missed any trainings and even gone for additional ones...seriously if i become one of the fastest in the team no one wud dare ignore me rite...lolx.

well...at least...thank god thank god thank god (im not christian dun be mistaken)...the bloody damn nic finally tio persuaded to join back lahh...heng kia i got fren liao. if he quits agn...im so gna kill him. got classmate in the same cca btr...at least our timestables are the same...less lonely.

okay...i guess dis length of post shld be okay to roughly compensate for the long time of absence bahh...so sry cos im busy slping rmb? anw...ya i gtg...dunnid to guess also noe im gna slp now...so off i go.

all of us must pass through the Dark before we see the Dawn.
__fiEryhA__

long long time ago.

2007-02-21T22:25:00.000+08:00

wow...okay...it was damn long since the previous entry. bud it doesnt rly matter since barely anyone noes abt this pathetic place.

well...i deleted all the drafts i had previously...i decided it was btr to start frm now and recent...rather den trying to recall everything frm the ancient times.

2nd orientation was definitely alot more boring den the first...DUH. basically cos most of the things were the same as 1st orientation bahh.

honestly...the moe's policy of having first 3mths suck real bad...thankfully they are gna cancel dat already. hav dey finally realised how much ppl cn be bonded together in 3 long mths? in these few mths...i have been in first intake OG...den to the CG...den back to second intake OG...and when school reopens im gonna be transferred to a new CG once agn. why muz we be spilt up so many times...if dats the case...why shld we bother to make frenz with one another? why shld we try to bond and become the best buddies? when we jolly well noe dat we are most probably gna be spilt up soon. for me...i wasnt really close to my OG at first...den was really damn close and bonded to my CG...and dammit we hav to be seperated now. the worst part of it all is abt the second intake...when ppl who didnt score as well cnt remain in SAJC...or who scored too well and are gng to a btr school. i witnessed many ppl crying and being so sad over it. it truly goes to show dat ppl can become the best of friends in merely 3mths. indeed...the hardest words to say are goodbye. why muz the ministry make us go thru so much heartache when we are juz gng to be in jc for a very short 2yrs. cn't dey juz leave us as we are...ppl leaving...ppl coming...aye.

wonder whts gna happen when school reopens siah...wonder wht cls im gna be in...wonder who's gna be in my cls...if no one i noe/is close to is in my cls...i tell u...im gna be so dead. really...if dat is ever gna happen...i wud seriously prefer death. c'mon...buddha jesus allah etc etc...dun let me down.

life is indeed miserable at times.
__fiEryhA__

-random-

2007-02-02T23:46:00.000+08:00

sometimes i ponder...how wud my life be now if u were still here.

SAJC

2007-01-10T17:28:00.000+08:00

yehh im finally free to blog! okay...apparently school have officially begun...and im in SAJC now. either thr's smth wrong with being in a jc...or thr's smth wrong with being in a secondary sku. cos once im in jc liao rite...although we haven had much lessons yet...i feel damn tired everyday. its like i used to be able to stay awake till 2am easily...bud nowadays reach home alrdy wan to die liao...if not for watching feng yun...i tink abt 10/11pm i dead le.

sianz...now dno wan stay in sajc after olvls results out liao mahh. shld i stay or shld i go~~dammit i dno. aiya heck care for now...results out liao den say...ltr results kanasai until wan stay also cnt siah...den pek cek liao. anw its only 2 yrs rite...veh fast over de lahh...sui bian also cn lahh...sajc also got alot of chiobus to see...eyecandy everyday bahh...makes life much happier also wht..hahah.

orientation was damn fun lahh...our kingdom won overall best! and to tink we're the smallest kingdom...wht a feat siah. muz be cos im in the kingdom so the judges all cnt resist me lahh...hohoho. actually...i dun tink i contributed anything to the kingdom...lolx. im in OG13 and it totally rawks.

ayyy dammit im hungry. dinner time...lolx. cn u hear it...the food...delicious tasty food...its calling out...calling out for ME!

__fiEryhA__

so long 2006.

2006-12-30T15:45:00.000+08:00

well...tml's the last day of beloved yr 2006 liao. guess i wun hav time to blog tml so im gna blog now since i got time. so...its been a time since olvls been over and so hav the hols it seems. 4 more days till sku reopens...and off to sajc to begin my 3mths thr. wonder wht lies in store for me ehh...

so...4yrs...or actually it seems more like 2 yrs in cchms...first 2 yrs were boring meaningless and no fun at all. time really did fly...it always seem like such a short time when u start looking back. makes u wonder...have i really been in cchms for 4 yrs already? well...it sure seems dat way. im so gna miss....the clsrm...the toilet...the sku...whereas for the ppl in the sku...nvm de lah.

my mind not working...i dno wht else to type. oh ya...the damn rain finally stopped and the sun is finally out today...wht a miracle. today weather veh gd...bud im at home...darn. anw nvm tml gng out..hopefully everything goes well tml. all go marina bay welcome 2007 yeh?

abandon all delusions, embrace all uncertainties, live life without regrets
__fiEryhA__

last minute

2006-12-14T23:49:00.000+08:00

well...i guess even though i didnt went today...i stiu gotta wish u happy birthday before the day ends ehh. so here it goes...happy birthday brudder. may u find peace and happiness whrevr u may be. Happy Birthday.

death is bud the beginning to all sorrows.
__fiEryhA__

weird personality quiz.

2006-12-03T14:50:00.000+08:00

lolx i juz did a personality quiz.

You Are An INFP (whtevr dat means -.-")

The Idealist

You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.
Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.
It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.
But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.

You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

finally im back.

2006-12-03T02:04:00.000+08:00

wow...been long since i've been here. its a gd thing actually...considering the fact that almost everything i post here is not a happy thing. it means dat my recent life hav either been busy and filling or nth sad happened. i guess im indeed quite busy yeh. firstly frm all those olvl shits...then after that had the most fun period of my life going out every single day to play till i break...class chalet...and prom nite. finally time for a breather to recap...and see if i missed anything out. hahaha.

still back to the old worry that clings onto me. the part whereby we all hav to be seperated still saddens me much. dammit man..why cant we carry on as a class to jc. why muz we be seperated. this is a bloody sick society. ahhh...made and strengthened so many frenships in sec3 and 4...bud now its soon gng to end. why did i open up only during my sec3 life...why couldnt i have met u guys in sec1...den mayb life in sku wud hav been much more colourful. and mayb if u were still by my side things wudnt be so bad as u can still share ur experiences with me...

its december yet agn. looking back dis yr seemed to have flashed right past. ouch. nvr have i realised that time truly flies so fast when u are unaware of it...why cudnt i have treasured it more. i cn still vividly rmb last yr's class chalet...haha. mayb its cos i was the one who booked it. bud anyway...THAT particular time of the yr is here again...lasat yr thr was class chalet to keep my mind off things...bud whts gna happen dis yr. i have no idea actually. shld i go visit u...or shld i not. i noe dey wud most probably be gng...like dey always do...without asking me along. dammit man i noe dat dey think its for my own gd hoping dat i wud stop brooding over the past and try my best not to rmb u. bud dun dey get it? its not only abt em...its directly concerning me...and since its my business...shldnt i be the one who decides whether i wan to go or not? trust in me...believe dat i cn do it...im honestly not as fragile as u tot i am...it might even be gd for me...we wud all hav to face it eventually. it pains me to noe dat im not asked to go along...bud anw...its not like i havent gone thr behind ur backs before.

how many times muz i explain dat im not an emo kid. i left the room at dat time cos i dun wna see things dat make me so uncomfortable. u guys juz dun realised wht it is dng to me yeh. although i noe that thr is nth wrong with dat...perfectly normal...quite a gd thing even. bud i juz cnt stop myself frm hurt. the more i saw it happening...the more it felt like i was stabbing myself with a knife. so i might as well leave the rm...although my mind wud still be preoccupied on it...at least it felt btr not to be witnessing it anymore. i juz cnt get over myself...zzz

asking myself, "can i truly let go?"
__fiEryhA__

yet again.

2006-10-29T03:17:00.000+08:00

as u can see from the time of the post...u cn tell dat its quite early. sianz...4 hrs of slp yesterday is getting to my head...feels heavy...think slower. dno whether the exceptionally dry eyes have anything to do with lack of slp anot...bud yea my eyes are veh dry...im squinting it like mad...guess my eyes are gonna turn small sooner or later.

haiz...honestly i gotta repeat myself all over again. life is really short. so everyone of you should try your best to live it to the fullest and without regrets. honestly if there is something that u want to do...just quickly decide whether u dare to do it or not. if u dare then just go for it...summon out all your courage...at least u tried...so even if u fail...at least u would stop brooding over the stupid thing...mulling over it for no apparent reason. if u dun dare...den just let things stay the way it is...since u already decided that u dun dare its equivalent to giving up already. especially in some situations...whereby u have to actually consider would it do you any good even if u do it...if even u yourself know that it would never come to a good ending if it went this way then might as well stop it. so for impossible things...its alright to occasionally dream of things...but obviously if dun bother about it so much for its not gonna change any thing. although sometimes u might live to regret not trying...always bear in mind that the decision not to try was yours and yours alone thus you shouldnt even be regretting for u did wht u chose to. wake up to reality people...time will nvr turn...history will nvr change...what happened shall nvr change...but wht will happen always have the possibility of changing. u can nvr be cleared of all regrets...bud of course you are able to minimise it. rather u live life with some bit of regret...rather than to regret living your life.

zzz...think i am going mad liao lahh...i dun even seem to be making sense to myself. someone tell me whether i am making sense? whtever...desperately need rest...living zombie...awake in the silents of the night...only to hear the whispers of the wind. i am tired...i wanna sleep...but im forcing myself to go on...wht for? dun ask for i dunno the answer to it too. "hurt" by christina aguilera is nice...when u are alone in the darkness u close your eyes and listen to it...quite cool. go get the song...if you cannot get it can come ask me for it.

living with regrets is better than to regret living.
__fiEryhA__

late hours.

2006-10-25T02:50:00.000+08:00

suddenly just feel like blogging after snooping around other people's blogs. but sadly i have no inspirations at all of what i am going to blog about yet. hopefully as i type on i might be able to come to some proper things.

guess the most current "craze" now for the sec4s would most likely be the oncoming olevels. damn...why must there be such exams...man it just pulls the fun out of life...it destroys people's lives. nvm i know whatever i say won't make any difference because its still going to be taking place. its slightly thrilling and nerve wreaking considering the fact that there isn't any time left already but i still havent started my revision and all the crap. i am just praying that i am not being too complacent after the prelims. nahh i am sure im not...right?

people keep complaining that there's not enough time for them to study...yet for me it seems like i have alot of time...but i don't seem to be doing anything meaningful with em. i sincerely believe that with my supreme intellect and marvellous memory...all i need is a slight bit of enthusiasm from some mad mugger and i should be a 6pointer liao...wow am i thick skinned or what? everyone who read this please don't answer to it. obviously its a rhetorical question because we all know that isnt true.

i think i am becoming more and more noctournal. am i? i've been sleeping at about 3-4am lately. guess you would be thinking that it isnt your problem right? -.-" i dno why...but i might have almost gotten over it already...usually when i stay up late i would start thinking about things. especially about it. but recently it has never crossed my mind at all. wonder why. although i still feel weird...considering the fact that i am always walking pass that particular spot. can't blame me for it right? i guess anyone in my shoe would feel the same.

i am addicted to the serenity or the night and my songs. u know...in the middle of the night...u look at and it almost seem as though everything is still. then u play your music...and u can hear it clearly...as u carry on staring out into the horizon...occasionally looking up at the beautiful night sky. it bring u some sort of peaceful and calming effect. i think. guess it would be best if there was the moon to accompany. oh and by the way...the magnificiant haze have been amplifying the effect of the scenery lately.

haiz...sadly at this time no one is chatting with me online...so i am honestly feeling very bored. and lonely. so i guess my musics are just there to help better express my mood. actually i find it great to listen to sad depressing musics when u are sad and depressed...it makes me feel alot better. but alot of people disagree with it. do you agree with me? u know the feeling...when u are sad...thinking about whatever sad incidents that happened...and the music compliments your mood...doesnt that make you feel better?

time really flies ehh? dumb as it may seem...but i just remembered the fact that i am secondary four and that this is my last year in this school already...or rather only about 1month more. thinking back about these four years i have spent in cchms...i seriously regret wasting my two years of lower sec...i might have been able to enjoy it more if only i had been more "active". basically i really enjoyed my upper sec life...when things in school finally made me a much happier person...when i finally looked forward to going to school...when i actually made friends...when i really bonded alot more with track members and my classmates. really saddened by the fact that im leaving. guess its really true that people only truly appreciate and realised the people/things around them either when they're about to lose it or when they have already lost it.

learn to appreciate and treasure the people/things around you before you lose them.
__fiEryhA__

omg.

2006-10-09T16:55:00.000+08:00

finally a post after so very very long.

stopped during the prelims...then after prelims relax and stuffs...getting back all the crappy results...boring debriefs. followed by slacking relaxing having fun blah blah blah...and now finally i got time to add another post!

kkz lets see now. prelims are officially over...rough idea of how i did already...which i assume wud be 14. dats...erm...quite shocking for me. considering the fact that i studied one day before every paper. was quite stressful...had to fully stretch the potential of my STM...its like reach home study...then eveing sleep...then after dinner resume studying...at abt 11pm then go sleep le and pray all the best for the nxt day.

seriously i gotta do smth abt my combined humanities...i cnt juz let it pull everything down. chemistry was disappointing...didnt expect to get a b3...was expecting an a1...lolx. kk i shall stop dreaming. aye and nxt up wud be the dreaded olvls...haiz. heng both my maths so tyco get quite gd results...or else this prelims i will be very much dead.

stress..........life is stressful..............dammit. sometimes people do things that dun seem to be putting stress on the others...and might even seem to be trying to reduce the stress. it might also be encouraging and stuffs...bud i feel more pressure instead lolx. no idea why...but i hate the feeling that many eyes are on me...telling me not to be stressed, to do my best and that wud be enough already...but it juz give me more stress to try nt to disappoint them.

been very busy slacking and all recently...so no time to blog. bud anyway...no idea whether thr wud be anymore posts after this before the olvls. we shall see...

once we learn to die. we'll learn how to live.
__fiEryhA__

stiu going on

2006-09-12T14:44:00.000+08:00

dammit...the more i look at my pathetic blog the more i feel dat its pathetic. mayb cos nt many ppl noes abt it...hmm dats the fun of it. yet...u look at other ppl's blog wid so many ppl den u feel like so qi liang. bud anyway...its impossible for me to spread my blog unless i tell ppl one by one...especially dowan any of my cousins to noe abt dis place.

kk dis is gna be a short post...i come by here everyday...i dun see tags...i dun see posts...all i see are the usually things dat hav been thr for quite some time alrdy. dammit and i feel sianz. tink i btr add something or imma gna get a sore eye lookin at the same words over and over.

cos i guess dey wud understand wht the heck most of the posts im toking abt...and den dey wud confront me...and den i will go -.-" zzz. dats the whole thing...put as msn nick cnt...put in friendster also cnt...unless create another acc without alerting dem...bud im too lazy for it. so nvm...shall live wid my beautiful yet pathetic blog. kinda reminds me of my eng paper today...im like a Greek Hero...a lone warrior...inability or at least an unwillingness to invole in social interaction. Fight solo against great odds and achieve my hero-status through my superb and concentrated fighting skills...wahahhaha.

blog are damn fun and useful at times...especially when u experience some serious roller coaster emotions. den when u come and type it all out...ahhhh...u feel damn gd. bud anyway...life been peaceful...no rock n rolls...no roller coasters...no thunderstorms...or rather dis might be the calm before the warth of olvls. already 4 papers down! humanities hav been wiped out! now all that's left standing are the maths and sciences along wid an extra chinese..."u're all gng down...im telling ya...u're all gng down. mark my words!" let us all remain stress-free as always!

i didnt mean to fall in love with u.
__fiEryhA__

prelims.

2006-09-02T23:24:00.000+08:00

wow...long time since i've blogged. 16 days to be exact...which is 2 wks and 2 days. hmm...well...the Sept holidays have begun...actually for 2 days alrdy including today. dat leaves...erm...8 more days before the beginning of the actual prelim papers...ouch. guess i really hav to buck up for the papers...cos i've totally screwed up my prac and eng paper1...especially eng paper1...din noe wht the heck i was writing all abt. compo mayb out of topic...den letter...total crap...didnt even noe how to go abt it. bio prac also dno wht i was writing...juz felt great writing it...and to make things clear...the results are nvr gd when i feel great abt wht i've written based on instincts. chem was okaye i guess...got sf error liao i tink...forgotten to change...den QA cfm even more problems de. physics i guess also quite okaye...also got sf errors...and i tink my explainations mayb wrong also...the rest hopefully correct bahh. great...2 days of doin nth...havent even started mugging yet...will i be too late?! aye dun wanna care abt it...heck care...i study when i feel like it.

hmmm...kinda weird...ppl hav been acting rather strange recently...exam stress? mayb. thr are at least 2 ppl who hav asked me for my comments and thought abt some decisions dey are trying to make. and it seems dat the decisions are rather serious and impt ones...and it kinda gives me a headache. for one of em...i even had to steel my heart and suggest the more implausible way out...seems kinda evil to say it...bud i honestly find dat a rather proper way outta it. bud actually...for the problems...it really boils down to themselves. dey hav to juz think things through real carefully...weigh all factors...understand wadd dey really wan...and most imptly i feel dat dey shld make a decision dat dey wudnt regret ltr in life. like wadd i always say...doin the right things smetimes means hurting urself...the right thing to do doesnt necessarily mean the thing which u wan to do...smetimes u juz hav to do it...despite the consequences...as long as u urself are clear of whether dey wud be in the best interest of everyone.

wonder wadd the future holds for me....

leave no regrets. live your live.
__fiEryhA__

way way down.

2006-08-17T22:17:00.000+08:00

honestly...i've nvr felt so down before...mayb i did 2 years ago...i really wanna shout it out loud...shout it all out. bud i cnt. let me die...let a car knock me down...let a television fall on me...let me trip and fall off a building...i really dun mind. yet once again...i cnt...cos thr are far too many things to be taken into consideration. things dat happened which caused me to be unable to do wht i wan. treat my life as the flame on a candle...blow me out pls. sometimes its juz far too tormenting. no one wud ever understand dis the way i do. no one wud ever noe wht im gng through. even if u knew...doubt u cn feel the way i do. no one wud care anyway...mayb only a few. im too tired to tink of it...im rather brain dead...

so many things gng through my mind right now...clogging it up...obstructing the processes...so im rather brain dead right now. dno wht to think abt first...it juz swarms up all at once. one moment im thinking abt dis...another moment im thinking abt dat. why is dis happening.

i honestly dun wanna think anymore...someone juz shoot me.

im really scared u noe. frankly...im terrified. i dno why bud dats the way im feeling. a sense of loneliness falls upon me like nvr before...u noe the kind of feeling u get when even though u are amongst everyone...u feel as if u're alone. yea...its frightening. i noe thr are frenz out thr who cares...1..2..or mayb 3...surely both hands wud be more den enuff to count. most probably even one hand wud be enuff. tink im shivering. heart pounding. i cn even vaguely hear my own breath admist the sound of the keyboard. juz whr did everyone do to...

kinda feel dat being polite and stuffs isnt at all impt now. its actually dumb and stuck up. why not say fuck? why not? c'mon lets all learn to say the word fuck. who cares who u say it in front of. isnt everyone using dat word. girls and guys alike...let juz say fuck to each other. i've nvr felt dis way before. WHO CARES WHETHER U HAVE A GOOD ATTITUDE AT ALL OR MIND YOUR WORDS IN TIMES WHEN U SHOULD?! it doesnt seem to make a diff. no one dun really seem to notice or care anyway. vulgar u call it...so be it...it aint a crime.

pls...throw me outta my hse...i dun wanna be thr. i really dun wanna be home. home isnt like it used to be...it will nvr be...why has it changed so much...why must things happen...why why why. endless questions. m i finally losing it? argh...i hav so much more to say yet i dno how to put em in words. im weeping yet no tears fall...im being pierced yet no blood shows...all i noe is dat it truly hurts...end my torment...pls.

blow me out like a candle.
__fiEryhA__

mask.

2006-08-10T02:35:00.000+08:00

doubt im gna do the thing already...cos im sick and tired of it...nt worth my effort. thus i've taken the previous post off. so now no one nids to noe wht i had planned to do.

interesting thing isnt it...a mask that is. to some ppl...hiding behind a mask cn mean protection and security for his/herself...yet the fact dat u are hiding behind a mask means dat ppl will nvr noe who u really are...until it is taken off. hypocrites are also some of those who hide behind a mask...bud for the absolute wrong reasons. dey are those who appear to be nice yet unfortunately dat isnt their true nature. honestly i'd rather mingle wid those who act mean behind a mask...thinking dat only dat way ppl wud keep away frm dem...so dat dey cn be locked within their own thoughts...either to prevent others frm getting hurt...or to prevent themselves frm getting hurt.at least u noe dat these ppl mean no harm to u. in dis case...a mask is deemed essential...a must, in fact. without it...somee things wud nt be forgotten...without a mask...life might nt even be able to go on. thr's an ugly side to all of us...no one is prefect...dats why we're humans. life aint easy for ppl behind a mask...some ppl cn only be themselves when dey are outta home...some only when they're at home...some only when they're only...as for the rest...dey might nvr hav a chance to be themselves. i for one do not believe in the crap dat time cn heal all wounds...i only believe it cn be numbed...bud nvr healed. a wound is a wound...whether or not ppl cn see it...u noe dat its thr. a vase smashed cn always be replaced wid a new vase...bud a heart smashed is one dat cnt be replaced. its honestly tiring to hide behind a mask...having to smile even when u dun feel like it...having to put on a brave front...having to show all arnd u dat u've let it go. having done it for so long...one wud be so used to the pretence dat he/she might even be conned by his/her act...and to believe dat u hav fully healed. bud deep down...deep deep down. he/she is fully aware dat its stiu thr.

fireworks at ndp2006 was da bomb. totally rawked.

death is bud the beginning to all sorrows.
__fiEryhA__

really?

2006-08-04T20:17:00.000+08:00

ppl often say dat one might burst or suffer frm mental breakdowns if he/she bottled too much within...bud how true cn dat be. it all boils down to whether the person cn or cnt control his/her thoughts to ensure sanity. those weaker ones...if dey understand dat dey are unable to do so...shld honestly find someone to pour their troubles to...while the btr ones...choose to share. sometimes...when a person refuse to share his/her secrets...it doesnt necessarily mean dat he/she doesnt trust the other party...thr are also other factors to be taken into consideration. it might be bcos the nature of the secrets might be a little disturbing and cn affect the other party's mood. if i was a plant cell...i wud be turgid with thoughts...and basically for the records...im honestly nt veh pessimistic...im juz realistic.

many a times...we hav to juz be true to ourselves...understand dat some things are juz impossible. mayb things are juz btr dis way...if u noe u cnt do it btr...den forget abt it. being realistic aint so bad at times...u noe...since u are expecting the worst...everything dat happen nxt wud either be expected or btr then expect wht. u juz do ur best...do wht u always do...and rmb to be true to urself. im truly contented juz to be able to help when needed...whether or not it changes things...i dun mind.

im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid im dumb im stupid

hmmm...100 im dumb im stupid...and trust me...i typed them all out...nt copy and paste...kinda hard to count.

understand dat things wud be better kept dis way.
(*_fiEryhA_*)

unwittingly.

2006-07-23T21:03:00.000+08:00

u know...almost everyone of us hav our own secrets...things which u dun really go abt telling everyone u know (like duh). well...some secrets cn actually be events which happened before and ppl juz dun wanna be reminded of it anymore...bud as u noe...nt everyone noe abt it...so sometimes ppl might actually say things which wud trigger such memories. u know...especially when ppl who doesnt noe anything juz happen to mention things which u try to forget...the weird...spooky...nervous...uneasy feeling dat u wud experience...its juz rather terrible. u might be able to understand dat dey are ignorant...as the saying goes bu zhi zhe wu zui...bud stiu it doesnt stop dat feeling. u long to tell them whtevr secret dat u hide...bud yet u are doubtful whether dey wud be able to comprehend or not...also...some things juz aint dat easy to talk abt. the things might hav absolutely nth to do wid them at all...so it might also mean nth to them even if u told them. since it mean nth to dem thus dey might forget abt it soon...since dey might forget abt it...why bother to tell dem in the first place. secrets dat are unpleasant are even worst in such cases. apparently ppl wans to forget abt unpleasant things...bud yet...thr will always be particular words places and things done dat might bring those memories back. for example...an orpahn wud most probably in most cases feel at least slightly awkward when ppl are tokin abt their parents and all...also...like when someone in the family passes on and a distant relative doesnt noe abt it yet so he/she blurts out the person's name happily. also...like in most youths nowadays...hav secrets like their crushes...their ex...and so on. awkward situations cn also happen...for example...if he/she has a crush on his/her best frenz stead...and the stead asks u who do u like...u cnt possibly bluntly say dat u like him/her neither wud u wan to do it in the first place for his/her stead is ur best frenz...wudnt dat be omg...or if ur frenz are like talking bad abt ur crush...which dey dun noe is ur crush...wudnt dat also be omg. bud anyway...since dey hav no idea abt wad's gng on in ur head...dey cn actually be pardoned...dey also wun noe dat wht dey say might adversely affect u...or cause u to be uneasy. it usually takes courage and trust to conifde ur secrets in another person...and hopefully dat wud be a wise choice. thus one shld be honoured if a frenz confides his/her secrets in u. for some secrets...we might nt even noe how to go abt telling it...or mayb the time isnt ripe yet...or thr hasnt been a gd time to talk abt it. also...especially when sharing secrets of sad past or experience...u dun wan ur fren to end up pitying u or over reacting or looking at u wid a diff eye. so come to think of it...thr's quite alot of things dat shld be taken into consideration before u share ur secrets...most impt of all u do not wan to affect ur frenz mood after listening to it...surely u wun wan it to be like a burden on ur fren. ok...basically i hav no idea wht i hav typed all dis while...juz crapping all arnd...

understand dat things wud be btr kept dis way.
__fiEryhA__

haunting.

2006-07-14T22:34:00.000+08:00

in life thr's definitely times of unhappiness...times which u wanna juz forget abt and throw outta the window...times which u dun ever wanna be reminded of. usually...one wudn't wanna visit places which hold such memories...yet most of the times its inevitable. imagine the torment one faces when he/she hav to pass by a particular place which haunts of memories the person juz wanna forget. constantly being reminded of the incident each and everytime he/she walks by. unable to block em out. i wonder wht cn be done...

apparently some situations are beyond our control...especially situations which we dun wanna be in yet somehow we stiu ended up in em. sometimes we do certain redundant things despite the fact dat we do not hav to so...and it might even being us pain...bud somehow some ppl are juz willing to do it.

dumb career seminar...fine lo...decided most probably be gng to tjc liao la. though vjc is also a choice. dno liao la...dowan bother abt such things now...ltr in the yr den tink abt it bahh. been quite a busy wk...everyday also go home late in the evening. i also dowan go home early anyway...go home also nth to do. all thr's to look forward in life now are tests...quizes...tuitions...homeworks...homeworks...and more homeworks. no life man.

sinking into a situation im nt suppose to be in.
__fiEryhA__

hmmm.

2006-07-08T23:01:00.000+08:00

sinking into a situation im nt suppose to be in. wonder how to get outta it...how cn u try to give up something which u juz found? it aint easy...it brings pain...bud some things juz hav to be done. anyway...u cn also choose nt to give it up...juz dat sometimes it might really hurt. bud it does seem quite dumb to find something dat u shld hav to giv up...if so den why bother finding it in the first place...might as well leave it forever buried and hidden away from the lights of life. bleahx....im blabbering all abt without even knowing wht im blabbering abt.

the past erm...5 days? quite normal...except for the nationals...stupid jav shld be can go in de...too kan chiong liao...stiu hurt my stupid leg. oww. discus into finals...top 10 mayb got chance...top 8 den hard liao. cn only blame myself for wasting away my sec3...in terms of cca and studies. now den realised veh hard to catch up. hahaha...nvm imma born slacker!

packing locker is juz too weird for me...cos i noe it will soon be messy yet again...lolx. some funny kia and his zharbo took so long juz to take one photo...absolutely hilarious. the dumbest thing i did was to run away frm a kind and helpful soul who offered to send me to the bus stop frm sku....bud the soul wasnt exactly dat kind for i was being whacked as i ran....heng not pain. bud i also shy to sit ppl car la...was training and playin juz now den sweaty sticky smelly whr dare to sit ppl car...lolx. so instead i prefered to walk by me lonesome listening to music slowly walking and admiring the early moon. turned out to be rather peaceful calming and fun. before blogging...i stiu go wham my leg against the stupid bed...the one which was injured ytd. dunno why wham on smooth surface bud stiu got blood de...hmmm. hit on the bone thr...den like got one dent...cool siah.

sinking into a situation im nt suppose to be in.
__fiEryhA__

weird.

2006-07-03T21:38:00.000+08:00

omg...juz as soon as the wkend started...it ended -.-" die la...once again i havent done anything for the wkends. im sucha failure...cnt even stick to wht i had planned to do. tml nid to go sku liao...stiu nt sure whether thr's any hw dat was suppose to be done during the wkends. if got hw dats suppose to be done den i die le lo...

issit me...or are thr truly 2 moons in the sky...okok...nt dat serious. juz abit giddy nauseous headache sore throat warm coughing aching niah...lolx. weird lah....i was feeling juz fine dis morning...tsk. im beginning to convince myself dat finishing ss by the nxt wk is an impossible task for me. oh ya...and thr's egeog...helmet ho stiu havent discovered dat i've nt handed in...so i stiu hav a lil' time. and sadly i tio egeog remedial due to my marvellous 17/50 for mid yr. my combine humanities juz sux...and of cos many other subjects too.

for dno how long i nvr play com liao...everyday i on the com...go on msn...on music...and juz stone. yes. stone. wht is the world coming to....haha. dun care lahhh...for nw juz stick to stoning and rotting.

death is bud the beginning to all sorrows.
__fiEryhA__

zoom.

2006-06-29T21:54:00.000+08:00

omg...first wk is hell...nt only am i so tired everyday cos im nt used to wake up so early...bud the chers are all chasing for the hols hw i owe dem. all say hand in by dis wk...which means im suppose to complete hw dat is meant for one mth in 1 wk...plus the new lessons learnt and new hmwks given. nt to mention my stupid tuition works...zzz. giving me headache siah. those hypocrite in the cls all say dowan do de in the end all did. dun blame dem too la...i knew in my heart dat dey sure do de...and now im also forced to do.

hate doin the stupid profile thing for eng...praise myself...i got nth to say abt myself. took me so long...in the end the parts abt myself i ask a buddy to write for me...lolx. so long as cn hand up ok liao. abt egeog...helmet ho nt yet asking for it...so i shall hand it in nxt wk...and i juz rmb i hav to attend some shit remedial for egeog cos my results sux...the first day stiu got test on agriculture -.-" sianzzz. kk...i go try do ss liao...

death is bud the beginning to all sorrows.
__fiEryhA__

goin' back.

2006-06-25T18:46:00.000+08:00

omg omg omg. today's da final day of the hols...man...dat shucks. unable to stay up and wake up as late as i wan to le...cnt spend my day idling and watchin tv le...dis is badd. bud on the contrary...i get to see mua great buddies again...those buddies who make either make or break my day. lolx. hmmm...hang on...sku reopen...doesnt dat mean...*gasps* *gulp* *shivers* *faints*...4 more mths to it-who-muz-nt-be-named. the mysterious mr O. the one who either made or ruined the future of countless innocent and naive 16 yr olds...woohoo! muz come up wid sme dramatic arrival for it-who-muz-nt-be-named, mr O.

death is bud the beginning to all sorrows.
__fiEryhA__

dsa

2006-06-23T02:23:00.000+08:00

lollerskates. imma gna try DSA for tjc....bwahaha. trials gna be on 27th june...which is 2nd day of sku reopening. wanna go thr play...cn or cnt go in i also dun rly care...lolx. i dun even noe besides trials stiu nid to do wht to get in. dun tink i cn get in anyway...hahahha.

ytd physics prac was lame...quite easy except for dat stupid question asking for a practical investigation. dumb cher dowan let me go loo...so i purposely stand up to do the practical and dulan her. till she finally boh bian let me go. woots....i won siah. den today chem lecture...i go thr copy de...haha. boring siah...over 3 hrs of copying answers...den in the end also nvr hand in de. who cares...at least went to sku...seen frenz...had sme fun...tok cock wif dem...laughing like idiots...quite fun lahh. tml...or rather ltr today...dno wht to do...dun rly feel like doin any hw...cos anyway sku abt to reopen le...cher wan scold den scold bahh. wonder who will msg me tml...besides my tutor...or shld i say wonder who will msg juz to chat wid me. lemme make a guess...no one! apparently im nt popular at all...so its like rare for smeone to do dat. or else means smeone read dis den juz mian qiang send me a msg or two to coax me niah. usually im da thick skinned one to msg ppl on hows their day or wht dey doin blah blah. nvm la...used to it liao. lolx.

bleahx. im kinda tired...its almost time for brazil against japan...im gna watch...hahahha. kkk...i go rest before it starts liao...hahhaha.

death is bud the beginning to all sorrows.
__fiEryhA__

closin in.

2006-06-18T18:33:00.000+08:00

aye...3 wks hav past since the beginning of the june hols and one wk left to go. dats fast. so much to do yet so little time...or in my case...i HAD time...bud i juz didnt make full use of it. or rather i didnt make use of it at all. tsk tsk. watched Silent Hill on thurs. was kinda interesting...considering how crazy the woman was...crazily brave. no one in the right mind wud do wht she did...it was either uber brave or uber stupid. didnt quite catch wht fully taken place...until the end we were stiu guessing like whts goin on. cos the movie was frm a game...each time some creatures came out...we wud be like saying "level 1, level 2, final level, boss level.." dis sorta things...made the show more interesting. and it wasnt even scary...at least nt as scary as i tot it wud be. muz catch Pirates of the Caribean 2...coming liao coming liao...actually stiu got quite some time before it comes out la. Scary Movie 4 coming out...looks to be darn funny...trailer was cool. feel like goin to watch the Man of Steel. who else wanna go watch movies de? first 5 to reply...i treat movie...lolx. jk jk...dun mad...i no money de.

hols hw almost nt touched at all...shld i start? or shldnt i? nvm...dun care first...let nature take its course...if im destined to do hw...i will do it no matter wht...if im destined nt to do...den cfm wun be doin any le...wahhaha.

death is bud the beginning to all sorrows.
__fiEryhA__

back again.

2006-06-12T13:25:00.000+08:00

apparently thr's only like 2 conclusions for the obvious absence for sucha long time frm dis place...first conclusion...is dat dis hols hav been sucha great fun and completely filled with activities dat i dun even hav time to take a breather to blog...the other conclusion is dat dis hols is so totally boring and dat i dun even hav a slightest clue of wht cn i blog abt thus nt blogging. i believe its the latter (which means the second one). kinda obvious anyway....

so im back once again...i kinda love dis place...cos veh few ppl wud actually stop by here and even fewer noes abt it. thus making it the greatest place for me to vent out all frustrations...express all happiness...pour out all sorrows.

though some things hav happened like 2 yrs ago...it juz aint dat easy to forget...especially since dat was juz so special...and it had the potential to like become the closest to my heart in the future. 2 yrs ago..means im only like 14...time when i was like dumb ignorant childish imature brat and sucha nonsensical nuisance. no wonder i always make u angry. now i understand...i honestly do...and i hav changed...u aint here to witness it anymore. thr was like a gazillion thing which i havent done for u...with u...all the things which u hav done for me. things dat i will nvr ever in my life forget abt...if only i had grown up sooner...den mayb i cn be thr to listen to wht might be troubling u. cn't u juz gimme a chance and tok to me...i realised dat many a times i was in the wrong without even realising it...so now i do my best to be thr for all my frenz especially when dey nid it. it might be a way of relieving the pain in my heart or mayb juz a way of reminding myself dat dis is wht i owe u...and the least i cn do is nt repeat the mistake to others.

i rmb the time many yrs ago when u came outta nowhere to juz protect me...i was so worried for u...and felt safe in ur presence...even though u were the one who took the hit...i was the one crying instead. and dat time when u bought my a present for my bdae...it was a cool shirt...bud veh big...being childish foolish stupid idiotic at dat time...i was like laughing at how dumb u were to nt even noe my size...im truly sry abt it. its was the thought dat count and u actually saved up money for dat...when u nvr ever had the habit of saving money.

i hate u at times for provoking me...only becos i provoked u in the first place. we planned to be tgt forever and ever on...and dat yr...i was like so rdy to get u a present for ur bdae in return...and u toked abt how u were gonna celebrate mine. yet...before any of these cud ever come true...u were gone. why did u do it...cn't u hav even the sense to tell me why...must u leave my hanging thr...nt noeing why u left...leaving me wif such tremendous pain my my heart...a big hole u tore...everlasting and ever pain. it might be slightly btr if only i knew why u did it.

u didnt even give me a chance to apologise for wht i did earlier dat day. given our ties...i shudve known smethng was nt right...if only i had been thr. grrr...i honestly hate myself. and u at times. u made me into smeone who is unable to express wht i feel at times...when i hav to smile even if my heart was bleeding. didnt u realised dat ur memory was alrdy permanently etched in my mind...dat i cn nvr forget u...yet u stiu inflicted such dmg on me. now...im unable to utter dat word whenever i wan to...dat special word held too much memories in it. mayb one day i might feel like saying it all out. mayb...

long blog dis time round...to compensate for the long time ive been gone frm here. also i hav to say dis to two veh close frenz...if u wud ever come here to take a look. be brave and hang in thr...dun ever tink abt ending life as dat is the worst ever idea and the most irresponsible one at dat...if u both are willing...u cn try for the 18 yr thing...2-3 yrs aint as long as it seems...it is heart-wrenching at times...so...if anyone of u cnt take it...pls juz end it...it wud be hard bud at least the pain wud stop sooner...rmb dat the journey of life is stiu veh long for either of u...such things are but part and parcel of life...life goes on no matter wht...studies muz also nt be neglected due to dis incident. believe me dat whtever choices u both make...we wud all be supporting u two and assist u both in whtever ways we cn.

death is bud the beginning to all sorrows.
__fiEryhA__

dead

2006-05-29T17:12:00.000+08:00

this place has officially become The Dead Zone....brudder of The Dead Sea...ok not funny. im becoming colder siah...dis is the first wk first day of the hols...and im bored. no one seems to be online...all muz be mugging...tsk tsk. later u see at the second wk when i start to think abt the hw rite...everyone already finished all the hw liao. also...since sat...no one gave me an sms or anything...bleahx. so imma getting bored-er and bored-er. bud suan le...i shall indulge in rotting and blasting of music...yeah. hols are relaxing siah...slp late...wake up even late-er...dats life man. m i suppose to be mugging too? aye...nvm...mugging at third wk or smth also cn la...dun care...rotting comes before everything...so i rot first mug ltr. woots.

cheers to The Dead Zone.

__fiEryhA__

aye.

2006-05-20T02:17:00.000+08:00

been quite awhile since the last post alrdy. all the results are out alrdy and none are uplifting. those expected to do badly truly did so...while those expected to do btr were disappointing...things aint really looking bright rite nw...though i hav been constantly reminding myself dats its ok and dat thr's stiu time. try as i might bud time is truly running out. every sec dat passes means a sec lesser in cchms. mr soon said to us dat we only had abt 100 days to go before our first olvls exams start...which are the orals. 100 days to go before the exams...which also means arnd 100 over days to go before we leave cchms...the time when we muz bid gdbye to our great buddies and all our frenz...taking wid us nth bud the memories we had during the 4 long yrs in cchms...be it the happy ones or the sad ones. thr's always a chance for us to be together again in jc...bud dat aint so easy and one shldnt pin much hope on such things. despite totally hating the idea of being seperated...i understand dat it will happen soon and dat its inevitable...as the saying goes yea "all good things muz come to an end one day". apparently now i noe its true...all the naive thoughts of mine when im younger seemed to have dissipated as i no longer believe dats it wud be so easy to be lifelong frenz.

if i was suppose to leave sku at sec2...my mindset might hav been diff...it might hav been easier to leave...thr wudnt be so much sorrow agony and reluctance to leave. the prob now is dat...the life of sec3 and 4 was by far the best i ever had in sku...although thr werent results to be proud of...many friendships were made during dat period...ties btw frenz were further bonded together and each individual somehow played a part in another person's life. it felt as if all our lives were somehow linked wif one another. those times were indeed worth rmbing and tough to let go of. also...things happened during sec2...things which made life boring and meaningless. thus the many frenz made in sec3 really helped me alot. thr were plenty of laughter and fun. quarrels were irrevocable bud we always managed to resolve dem. there were always times when someone in our group will be in some kind of problem may it be domestic or affairs of the heart...during those times...everyone of us wud rack our brains and do all dat we cn to help him. these are the situations which truly showed how much our frenship mean to each ader and it nvr fails to bring us closer. memories such as these are those dat im unable to let go nor forget...aye.

results now prove a headache to each and everyone of us...ppl such as me...apparently stress over how to pass my subjects...while those top students whine over how dey could hav done even btr...zzz. parents are also putting alot of pressure on their children due to results. imagine if studies were non existant...tremendous amt of stress and burden wud be lifted off each and everyone of us as we nid not worry abt getting gd grades or meeting the expectations of their parents. affecting studies wud no longer be excuses by parents to prevent kids frm getting into a relationship too early. we all wud also be exempted frm all the scoldings and threats amde by our irate parents when we flunk...hahahahha. so actually...its a gd thing...thr's no con! all pros! why muz some boh liao humans come up wid the concept of studying...those jerks sure made my life miserable. oh oh oh...i noe the advantages of sku le...how could i hav missed it. its becuz of sku dat i meet all my best frenz in life ever! its becuz of sku dat guy meet girl or vice versa! its becuz of sku dat i get headaches! ehh...the last one disadvantage. anyway...in conclusion...im an idiot tinking abt things which will nvr ever happpen -.-"

death is but the beginning.
__fiEryhA__

console.

2006-05-11T23:43:00.000+08:00

mye is finally over man....wht a relief. indeed...im really glad and happy...yet i understand dat apparently i did quite badly for dem...juz purely based on the fact dat i dun even noe wht i seemed to be scribbling on the papers. anyway...according to slightly reliable sources...mye is suppose to be a killer paper...all thanks to the upcoming one mth june holidays. the sku is supposedly afraid dat students wud slack during the break thus...dey came up wid some really tough papers to make us score bad. the motive behind is ultimately to make us believe dat we are like so unprepared for the olvls and cnt afford to slack. or...in another point of view...u cn sae dat im consoling myself.

dead meat

2006-05-04T14:53:00.001+08:00

did badly for two papers today...aye...one more wk to freedom...hang in thr...

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2006-04-29T01:33:00.000+08:00

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wahahah...cool sehh...really like advertistment. hopefully nt many ppl wanna beat someone up...if nt den stock will surely run out fast siah...time nw...1.30am niah...quite early. someone was supposedly to call me back ltr since abt 9pm de...bud tink the person probably possibly most likely should be mayb forgotten liao la. of cuz la...nt like im of any imptance rite...hahahhaa =P bud seriously la...i dun mind...the person must be better be really be busy den will forget de...lolx. how optimisstic cn i be lahhh...as if. ok...really tired le...abt to fall aslp in front of the comp...oh ya...juz to add to the blog...my eng and chi paper one gone case le...zzz

__fiEryhA__

missing u

2006-04-18T21:49:00.000+08:00

for no blardy reason...i began to tink abt u again...haiz. things which happen dis few wks kept reminding me of u...it makes me itch to say ur name out aloud...to be able to feel u once again...yet i noe...dat is impossible. ur image in my mind though stiu vivid...occasionally seems to fade away...leaving me at a loss. i fear dat one day i might be unable to rmb ur face...unable to rmb the pleasant times we had together...the beautiful memories. pictures may always be thr...bud the feelings may be detached. aye...sometimes i cn juz feel my heart aching so badly...yet no tears come out. nevertheless...im sort of immune to it liao.

__fiEryhA__

crappin'

2006-04-15T01:33:00.000+08:00

wow...the last time i blogged was...one wk ago i tink. been busy yea?

hmm...four school combined meet juz over siah....won two medals...quite ok la...considering the fact dat i didnt pin much hope on em. hahahha...happy enuff liao la...last yr in cchms cn get 2 more medals. stressful siah...event infront of our sku ppl...so scary. and rites...the stupid judge for jav sux i tell u...cfm frm dunman de...den see our sku owning dem den nt happy so he attitude us. so obvious dat our throws were counted yet he void dem...idiotic siah. wanted to quarrel wid him de...bud the cher warn us cn get dq for it de...darn -.-"

its late...blog nxt time...i m veh slpy...zzzz

talentime

2006-04-08T03:30:00.000+08:00

last yr in cchms liao wht. so i tot why nt go watch talentime? for da sake of memories. woah...i tell u all rites...i tink it feels more like fashion show den talentime lo...u see me and yz in white pants and nic in full U...while the rest of teh ppl who went rites...all got hang bling bling here and thr...coat. jacket. sweater. or whtevr. the hair all nicely done...looking their best...omg siah. go thr more like seeing wht aders are wearing rather den watch the competition lo....den i was like dumbly tinkin why dey choose a chop wid only 2 stars cuz i wan 3...

the mc hor...bad choice larr...shld let tingkai be rather den the ader guy...tk funnier lo...he will make the whole event more enjoyable. sing sing dance dance...some singers were really nice lar...nvr diu choir de lian...and teh dancers were really gd siah...nvr diu dance club de lian.

dis yr combined sports meet die liao la...gg man...-.-" how lehh how lehh...dun care la...lolx. the jersey dis yr hor...quite ugly lehh i feel. considering whether to wear last yr's jersey...cuz last yr de alot nicer. bud hor...the jersey so revealing...every yr i also veh shy to wear it...nth bud fats to show ppl...so malu lo...nxt time train up liao den wear most prolly wud be more confident lo. yet i dun tink i wud be so diligent to train larr...firstly cuz im lazy and second cuz i cnt resist gd food. life is short...so we shld enjoy it...got gd food den eat it...dun torture urself juz becuz it is fatty or whtevr. sianz....stupid track t so long havent done yet...den hav to wear our bright bright track t...bud nt bad la...quite nice and veh prominant wht...hahha. i wan to win badly siah...last yr wht...nw regretting for slackin too much last yr...tsk tsk tsk...bud at least dis yr i got put in quite some effort...even if lose also no regrets la.

my eyes are like closing liao...veh tired...listening to music...bud i like carry on typing...like a living zombie. since got time also reflect on myself and start wondering abt things...wondering wht i beh song abt life nw...wondering wht hav i done recently...wondering whether i offended anyone...wondering how to become a btr fren...wondering how to let ppl trust me...wondering how to make conversations more interesting...wondering whether im really able to be thr for my frenz when dey nid me...wondering abt whether anyone enjoyed tokin to me...wondering whether anyone ever looked forward to tokin to me...wondering abt how i wud die...wondering abt things which wud nvr ever happen...wondering abt dreams...wondering abt the past...wondering wht to do abt my studies...wondering wht imma gonna do tml...wondering why are many gd foods unhealthy...wondering why humans look like how we look now...wondering abt my events on 13th...wondering abt why are thr such boring shows on tv at dis time...wondering wht my sis wud grow up to be like...wondering wht imma gonna in the future...wondering will i stiu be in contact wid my current best frenz...wondering who are my best frenz...wondering wht my frenz wud grow up to be like...wondering how to get myself a gf (juz joking)...wondering how's my frenz relationships are doin...wondering who's awake rite nw...wondering who dreaming of me(also joking)...wondering why are sad songs nice...wondering why am i stiu awake at dis time...wondering wht time imma gonna slp...wondering when imma gonna finish wondering.

death is but the beginning.
__fiEryhA__

never enough.

2006-04-01T22:01:00.000+08:00

haiz...he comes back like a few days per month. for the sake of the family...he works overseas...away frm his family. by right...i m suppose to like make his days back in sg happy and everything bud...bud...i juz cnt take his attitude. to him...i m forever addicted to the computer....whether i use it or not...wth do u wan me to do. if im nt playin the com...he wud like walk past and say..."dunnid to be shy....u wan to play den go ahead...i m nt stopping u...dun hav to act in front of me..." if im using the com to do my work...he wud say..."hands itching to play the com rite...cnt concentrate on doin the work correct..." if im playin...he wud say..."u ar...addicted to the com alrdy...dun play la...go study..." sianz....liddat wht u wan me do...i tink if i take a hammer and whack the com or throw the com outta the window...he wud stiu like say..."regretting alrdy rite...nw u will spend ur time goin to lan shops and play rites..." ARGH! liddat wht m i suppose to do so dat he will diam diam...wht does he wan from me...zzz -.-"

and for the last time...reverse psychology doesnt work on me...he muz keep telling me..."our family (including my cousins and uncles aunties) until nw worst is 10...i dun expect u to get like 6 or veh gd results...bud dun get too bad...try ur best to get at least 12-14..." wht the....he tinks wht...i gonna break the record by getting the worst ar. make a name for myself in the family ar...make history ar. i will definitely try to do my best for o's...bud stupid humanities keep pulling me down...nt like i nt trying to improve it...sianzzz

interestng day today...watched interestng performace...had interestng phone call....weird...bud interestng nvrtheless. blah blah blah...nth else to say le...

death is but the beginning.
__fiEryhA__

transparent

2006-03-26T01:40:00.000+08:00

dats how the world works. often whenever you're needed everyone wud be all arnd u. whenever u aint needed u wud often find urself being alone. u all mayb be great buddies one day. doin everything together. bud yet...after some time...u might find urself being sorta invisibe in their presence. even wht i say wud be unheard. wht i type wud be unseen. so wht if im nt gd in it. does my presence hav to be redundant. u cn be loyal to others and try ur best to be by dem whenever dey nid help. yet u cnt guarantee dem to repay u in the same way. many times dey wud forget the gd things u done yet bear all the grudges. dats the ugly side to human nature.

feeling like juz an extra burden to the earth. only purpose in life is to waste earth's resources. sometimes i wonder whether imma robot frm mars.receiving calls frm mars everyday asking "stupid robot. hav u finished using up all of earth's resources yet?"

this entry's basically crap cuz i've got nth else btr ta do. best place to be whenever i m pissed of. blogging like destress liddat. tool for venting and commenting.

death is but the beginning.
__fiEryhA__

kickin' no more.

2006-03-24T19:31:00.000+08:00

haiz...wadd a fabulous day it is today...i sprained my ankle. owww! ouch! cnt even stand straight and place it flat. sianz...now swollen le. hurting like mad siah. small matter only lar o.O siao liao la...combined sports meet so near i stiu dare to sprain ankle...pro yea? bud rites...starting to think i cn only get 2 silvers at the most. gold ar...no confidence at all le. go ahead and laugh at me lo...carry on saying i go cca for nth de lo...wun win first de lo...i dun mind le.

life's fill wid crap. wid ppl who no idea why...juz wanna kpkb for nth. outta the blue. juz cuz dey tink dey speak wid "depth" on msn. sick and tired of it la. somemore crap is those damn dulan kind...nt at all humorous. tink u veh funny mehh.

life's getting bored. more nad more ppl arnd seem to hav found their own goals and things to hope for. things which dey await in anticipation to happen. in which dey enjoy every single second of the process. something which dey wish wud nvr end. one which goes on. or things which dey are working hard on. which dey are determined to see happen. me on the ader hand...wandering abt aimlessly and blindly...sometimes banging into the wall or tripping and falling.

juz so sianz. bud i bet my certain buddy is having a ball of a time wid his stead siah. so happy for him. at least thr's something happy to tink of today. glad dat he's one of those who hav found at least a beam of light in his life. a force to drive him on. someone for him to protect and care for. to shower wid all his love. to be thr for him. to share weals and woes. to look forward to seeing each day. to tink abt every single sec of his life. one who keeps him alive. who is the essence of his life. whom he cnt live without. =D

ankle stiu hurting like crazy -.-"

death is but the beginning.
__fiEryhA__

alive n' kickin.

2006-03-19T21:38:00.000+08:00

told ya guys i was strong. back to health liao. see la...all cry whole nite for me rites...cry until all eyes red red puffy puffy...tell u all dunnit worry liao. all confirm tossing and turning in bed worrying abt my health rites...omg siah i suddenly become so bhb...like anyone cares. -.-"

hmm...realised dat my recent posts all quite happy rites...wonder why. muz be the full moon effect larr...(blame everything on the moon) mayb its due to the hols den less stress...so more relaxed and happy bahh. bud cnt too happy...muz always be abit sad or smth de...cuz when u happy den the head high up in the clouds...liddat veh easy to trip and fall de.

the hols also nt veh gd...same things everyday...nt like school so "happening" rites. sku cn witness alot of things de...den got ups and downs de...like roller coaster liddat...veh exciting de. as if. lolx. ups veh easy larr...frenz. stuffs. especially gals o.O" joking joking. downs also veh easy larr...hw. chers. quarrels. blah blah blah...and the list goes on.

omg...tml cfm 100% + guarantee chop dead liao. basically i only managed to finish chem...amaths done abit niah. the rest arrr...dun tok abt it. almost everyone i ask tell me "dis one done liao...dat one done liao...left abit only...blabber blabber" i hear liao hor...den i resign to fate liao la...cfm gg le. to add on to my misery...i hav only JUST been told to hav bio test on the 2nd period tml...when i dun even hav my tb or any notes wid me! study wht u tell me! how to study u tell me! how to pass u teach me! woah...i so jidong siah. relax...relax...lolx. at most fail only wht...nt like nvr fail before rites...bud i dowan to fail liao...zzz.

doesnt matter larrr...life goes on yea? lolx. i really veh "high" rites...cfm stiu the full moon effect larr.

__fiEryhA__

so sick

2006-03-18T16:08:00.000+08:00

cuz im so sick...nope its nt neyo...its the literal one dis time. head spinning yet stiu blogging siah...i m juz so strong. haha. having fever asthma cough flu muscle ache headache. cheh...liddat only...small thing la. as if...-.-" dun worry dun worry abt me my frenz out thr...dun cry...i wun die de...i shall live to brighten all ur days...dun be so sad for me...bleahx...as if anyone cares.

haiz...clan Rebirth lost the game. sad sad. dun hav me lo....if i went to play den cfm win liao (i must be dreaming). at least dey won 4 matches...didnt lose in the first game veh good already. got save dat slight tinsy winsy bit of face.

omg siah...today is saturday liao lehh. told u all holidays will pass like lightning liddat wan rites. see la..dun believe me..all so excited abt holiday for wht. diee liao lar. i hav not done a single hw yet...omg. how HOW hoW!!! either i do dem all tml...or else i gg liao. i considering nt doin any...mayb do only those veh easy de. slackers out there! who dun intend to do tell me! pei me together die! (joking) i dowan to diee...i do abit...those the cher veh fierce de den i do. smart rites? no...actually...i shld ask...WHO WILLING TO HELP ME DO?! if u hav indeed considered helping me after u read dis...i salute u...for u are truly my gd fren...*sniff sniff* (doubt it anyway) and rmb dun lie to urself hor...nvr thought of helping den juz admit...dun tell lies. ltr ur nose like dat human-wannabe wooden dude Pinocchio den u noe siah.

__fiEryhA__

speechless

2006-03-13T22:31:00.000+08:00

long time no blog. anyone missed me? i doubt it. anyway erm...welcome holiday. i m not gonna be enthu abt it...cuz at the age of 16...i understand dat it will be over veh soon and dat i will not enjoy it at all...especially dis yr. frm the beginning till nw...my days hav been quite...quiet? muz i always be the thick-skinned one to msg some lame msges to u guys before we cn like sms each ader. why cn't it be the ader way round. wht...m i nt gd enuff a fren to even be bothered wif? aye...bud since i said quite...it means dat thr are actually true frenz who bothered whether i died during these 3 days which passed. may it be juz sending me a one word msg or a lame joke. haiz...anyway...it doesnt really matter...after all i been through my lower sec life wid only a small bunch of guys. honestly my present state is alrdy considered an improvement. ha...ha...ha...

saturday...total waste of time...bud i love it. basically laying abt in the hse after i woke up...family was out...loner at home. on the com...waiting for ppl to tok to me...bud thr wasn't. decided instead to drown in blasting musics...i understand dat i m suppose to be spending my time wisely by doin hw and stuffs...sadly...i m in no mood for dem. stiu unable to gear up and prepare for the upcoming Os...

sunday...tuition in the morning and out the rest of the day. went visiting pri sku cher wid pri sku frenz. had a fun time. bud stiu no signs frm sec sku frenz...basically i spent the day like dat.

monday...track training in the morning...climbed up and down the stairs...climbed on the track...on all fours. palm red and swollen bud i feel no pain...for i m hollow. went for dental checkup in the afternoon and reached home at abt 3. played wid cept and nic till dinner time. had tuition after dinner. blogging nw apparently.

weird...suddenly decided my holiday till nw. which is juz 3 days larr. haiz...feeling darn sianz so juz carpping to make it longer...oh ya...before i forget...congratz to a certain fren of mine who found new confidence in his love affiars. dun bother askin mi who...as if i wud say it. my slpin time getting ltr and ltr alrdy...frm usual 1plus to 2plus...my life is really gonna be messed up...

__fiEryhA__

tsk

2006-03-07T23:32:00.000+08:00

seeing things around me. hearing things around me. feeling all around me. there's always a time when everything seemed to go against u. disappointment are foreordained. pinned high hopes on it. worked hard for the first time. determined to score. falling flat on my face. hard. dun understand...am i juz pure dumb or didnt i try hard enough. i am just human.

its almost like i'm having split personalities. at home and in school. almost like i'm putting up a show when i'm out. wearing a mask. things dun necessary mean wht it seems to be. sometimes, there's juz something hidden deeper. nt wanting to be known. nt wanting to be brought up. why have i become like that...unable to be wht i wan to be. actually...i dun even know what i want to be. give me a break...i nid time for a breather...imma gonna choke to death. i am just human.

stressful year dis is. everyone around me is stressed. tension is high. may it be due to studies or personal affiars. bud one thing for sure. i am indeed stressed out. day after day passes by as not much time is left. fear is building up within me. no one would ever understand the things i am facing. my problem may seem small bud yet the pressure emanating from it...only me can understand it. dun bother asking me about it. u wun understand it anyway. some people just prefer to bottle things up within their heart. constant pounding of headaches. used to it. numb. stop pushing me up the wall. those words aint encouraging at all. dey are getting scary. becoming cuspate. tearing at my brain. honestly...i am just human...only a 16 yr old teen.

__fiEryhA__

relaxing

2006-03-05T22:46:00.000+08:00

interestng day it has been. spent my day stoning at home...laying abt nearly everywhr...the stairs. bed. sofa. chairs. floor. soft toys. carpet etc blah blah. the stairs are quite comfortable i'd say...wonder why i didnt realise dat early...hmmm. packed half my things lying abt. neater room siah. most memorable thing i did today arrr. muz be the time whn i stood on the balcony...staring out at the clear blue sky...the clouds were slowly drifting high above...thr was a slight breeze...everythng out thr seemed so small...moment of relaxation to rmb.

__fiEryhA__

confused.

2006-03-04T04:00:00.000+08:00

hcl.devastated.31.shocked.impossible.true. facing up to reality...my hcl result aint gd. well...let nature take its course and see hw the rest of the papers score first. getting cold feet juz tinkin abt Os. huge pressure on me. big stress. high tension. u cn nvr imagine. wanna study bud dun hav the mood to. bz wk dis hav been...things whirling past mi...leaving me breathless. no time at all to stop and take a breather. ppl arnd mi seem to hav their own goals...may it be short term or long term. me on the ader hand. hav no idea wht i wan...totally confused.

in the journey called life. thr are always times when u hav to decide and make a choice. if u wan to do it. go ahead! no one ish stopping u. understand dat if u dun choose...ur mind wun evr be able to focus on one ting and u might end up wid nth. settle one ting and proceed to the ader. take things slow and easy. life is harsh as it cn be alrdy. stop making it worse. juz do it.

__fiEryhA__

relief

2006-03-01T23:42:00.000+08:00

woots. ct over liao. today my bdae!!! wahahaha...received lotsa bdae greetings frm all of my frenz. so happi siah! lurvee all of my frenz! veh "cool" and "touching" jigsaw puzzle my juniors made fer mi. hahahaha. 500 pieces de. actually quite big de. lolx! =DDD

praying hard for ct cuz i did actually put in abit of effort to study fer it...hope nth goes wrng bahhs. omg...i m so dead siah...suppose to pack e.maths and chem prac files...and nid to redo my recount essay...by friday! bud tml i goin out most prob till nites...whr go time...u tell mi larrr -.-"

ppl listen up. those owe mi present de muz gib hor! jk lahh. hahahha. to receive ur "blessings" were enuff le! bud those who insist on giving i wun mind accepting de =P (who in the rite mind would reject O.o) wahahaha.

tink dis muz be the happiest msg i nvr posted siah...lolx...muz be due to full moon effect larr...(i tok cock de...dun even hav full moon tonite -.-" ) bleahx! =)))

__fiEryhA__

first day.

2006-02-25T02:00:00.000+08:00

well well well....hcl & ss...2 papers well done. for hcl. i brilliantly skipped 20m worth of questions. done summary in 5min. zhong he tian kong abt half guess de. den for ss arh. scribbled all the way like everyone else. 1b and 2 nvr finish cuz no time. my writing too slow liao. smart rites? juggling btw studies and cca. nt constant. like shares liddat de. nt in studyng mood. so sianz...my life's a mess. billion of things are clogging up my puny lil' brain. headache. confused. cn't life be any simplier for a simple person like mi. ppl come ppl go. gd at times bad at times. ups and downs. nth to look forward to anymore...no hopes...no goals...no dreams...no wishes. everythng's becoming pure responsibility. unable to fall into slumber. soon turning into a living zombie. whr does salvation lie in...

__fiEryhA__

ct

2006-02-23T22:34:00.000+08:00

well. common test officially begins tml. it sucks yea. interestng day today...walked outta sku alone. quite a pleasant journey. gentle breeze...no sun...cooling weather...quiet surroundings. wuld've been better if i had my mp3 wid mi...sadly someone borrowed it -.-" cuz i didn't expect to be walkng out alone. doesn't realli matter aniwae...hw old liao...nt lyk first time walkng out alone mahh. ok lahh...expectng all u peeps out dere to be furiously at work...unlike mi...so carry on bahh...i wish u all gd luck i guess. juz praying to pass all. future of my com depends on it...

__fiEryhA__

pissed

2006-02-20T20:11:00.000+08:00

cheers to all wid unreasonable yet loving at times mum. congrats to mi for successfully quarelling wid her and i won. bud wht the heck is the use? mum's always bigger aint she? dey cn juz freaking go "im ur bloody mum. i say no means no. no reason why. bud i juz feel like sayin no lehh. wht the heck cn u do abt it?" and wht cn u say? nth apparently. tok logic to her. is equivalent to toking to a mad dog. all u say makes sense yet the ader party's reply always makes no sense at all. like soonkueh always say "their brain are made of mercury. nth sinks in." no offense meant. i juz wan her to be more reasonable. if ur in the wrong. juz fiaking say sry lah. dey simply love jokin at the wrong times. wht a smart thing to do. dey nt happy, cn juz go "imma gonna cancel ur line. imma gonna cancel the internet. imma gonna throw the fucking com away." wow...tok abt creativity siah. always the same things. sry to those reading my blog yea. cuz i m pissed. nt suitable for under 15 due to mature themes.

__fiEryhA__

reminiscing

2006-02-18T00:01:00.000+08:00

today's the day. day when it all happened. why. why. why. it's stiu goin through my mind all the time. dun tell mi u cnt even giv a valid reason to do so? wht the hell was goin through ur head dat time. unable to forgo forgive forget. bud. sadly. the greatest regret of my life was also on dat day. i shld hav done it. why didnt i. shit lah. why didnt i. always disobedient yet obedient only at the wrng time. wht the hell was goin through my mind. my attitude was so wrng. it was my fault. i was nt dere fer u when i shld hav been. mayb things wuld hav been diff if i wasnt so childish. hate myself. detest myself. loathe myself. bud its all too late. far too late. no one cn help nw. it juz keeps haunting mi. words cnt express hw i feel. it barely touches the surface of reality. tears unable to flow. wht else cn i do bud sigh in a corner. reminiscing. wishing to forget all abt it. u were my everything. bud i nvr cherished u. u r selfish. irresponsible. cold-hearted. yet. kind. loving. best i could ever hope for. nvr able to treat u well alrdy. hw i wish time could turn back...vanished forever...

__fiEryhA__

dread

2006-02-15T21:52:00.000+08:00

dreaded day drawing closer. memories flood my mind. in a whirl. no ones knows. no one cares. drowning in myself. no hope. no dreams. no wishes. wondering whts wrong wif mi. loneliness ish all i got left. when ur nt by my side. u nvr hav. u nvr will. u will nvr be. dun bother asking mi why. cuz u dun even share ur prob wid mi.

__fiEryhA__

doomsday

2006-02-14T18:10:00.000+08:00

aye. the most hated and loved day of the year ish here. where ppl cried fer salvation and fer hope. cheers to all lovelorn homosapiens out dere clinching onto dat "hope" of their life, foolishly wishing dat their dreams would be fulfilled. bud at least, it was a pleasant sight to see dat frenz who are woo-ing the gal of their dreams are going all out. putting in effort sweat time and even blood...all bud to please the gal...behold the power of lurve siah. well...dey provided mi wid many inspirations fer gifts. entered gym smiling and exited sulking. no idea wht happened to mi...thought my throwing was bad bud nooo O.o ...i realised...dat it cn be worse and personally experienced it first-hand today. mani mani thanks to all who gave mi a present. seriousli veh happy to receive em. hopfully the recipients of my prezzies are happy wid theirs...i noe their nt nice to begin wid...bud it shld be the thought dat counts i guess...wonder whether it achieved the goal of brightening someone's day? o.O

__fiEryhA__

valentine's

2006-02-12T21:53:00.000+08:00

vday mania hitting town once again in two days. love will once again be in the air. those in love would be drowning in it and those outta love would be dreading it. oh well...it all depends on your perspective of it. mine obviously is nt optimisstic at all...with no target no lurve no thoughts blah blah etc. bud aniwae. i stiu gibing aders presents. wshing to brighten ader's vday. so dat it will nt be like mine...stiu got cca on dat day...how sad cn it get...tsk tsk tsk. no worries anyway...used to it le..hahas

__fiEryhA__

sulking-

2006-02-12T00:20:00.000+08:00

making it seems impossible wid nothing left to hold on.

swirling in the abyss of darkness-

god's joke.

back again.

ouch.

2008

14th dec.

exhaustion.

nothing.

thinking.

change.

aye...

random

bored.

prove.

longing.

DEVIL.

You are The Devil

You are The Devil

You are The Devil

dumb.

ending.

hols

sudden.

sleepy -.-"

long long time ago.

-random-

SAJC

so long 2006.

last minute

weird personality quiz.

finally im back.

yet again.

late hours.

omg.

stiu going on

prelims.

way way down.

mask.

really?

unwittingly.

haunting.

hmmm.

weird.

zoom.

goin' back.

dsa

closin in.

back again.

dead

aye.

console.

dead meat

advertising.

missing u

crappin'

*talentime*

never enough.

transparent

kickin' no more.

alive n' kickin.

so sick

speechless

tsk

relaxing

confused.

relief

first day.

ct

pissed

reminiscing

dread

doomsday

valentine's

sulking-

talentime