[[*---Swirling in the abyss of Darkness---*]]

Thursday, May 01, 2008

[[god's joke.]]

the beings of higher power...if they even exist...are at times true sadists...determined to screwed up every single part of our lives and those around us. after doing it...all the explaination thats given is that everything happens for a reason. but are the things happening what we want...if it isnt...why is it happening. are we truly living our lives the way we want it...or are we living our lives the way someone else wants it. if everything truly happens for a reason...if we were really controlled by fate...destiny...if we all just let nature take its course...why are we all doing what we do now. shouldnt we all stop work..stop our lives...and just see what happens to us. but then again...by that time they'll yet be saying that this is happening for a reason...its our fate to be doing it at this particular instant.

another joke from them...is also to let those who deserve to die live...and those who deserve to live die. why arent they trying to make the world a better place...a stronger place. shouldnt the good ones be the ones allowed to live...shouldnt the weak and bad ones die. if they are truly controlling us and our actions...i believe they suck at what they do. won't the world be better off without me...but with you instead...so much more that you could have done unlike me...the way u lived life without fear and regrets...so much that i could have learnt from you...but alas the cruel twist of fate. its just like the lyrics of the song Colors Of The Wind...how high does the sycamore grow...if you cut it down...then you'll never know....just like how i'll never know about it anymore.

just some random rantings...

[[ Branched ]]*|12:51 PM|

Monday, March 31, 2008

[[back again.]]

hey buddy...its been a long time ehh. just when i thought this place wouldnt be needed anymore.

things just dun seem to feel right anymore. BT1 is over...did relatively better compared to MSA obviously...though nothing close to satisfactory. suddenly realised that time flies right after the busy period even though i feel more relaxed...already a week have passed since the end of BT. feels like i've been wasting my time. not a good feeling.

im sitting alone in the room right now...with the lights turned off...and the music blasting. the feeling of solitude engulfs me...ever so often...ever so familiar. familiar. is it because i actually enjoy the feeling of seclusion...to be away from it all...whether as a form of escaping from reality...or just the inability to be with others. either way...i must have gotten quite used to this feeling...for it no longer scares me. many say they understand what i am going through and how often they feel it too...but how many honestly understand my position? do they even have the slightest clue as to my life and problems?

i seriously doubt that anyone i know at all have to live the way i have to...to carry on the burden of expectations from many...to be literally forced to grow up. to have every move watched by many...every move judged by many...every move restricted by responsibilities. there is no room for mistakes at all under such situations...no room to breathe...and its finally taking its toll on me. how very often i feel the urge to give up...fearing the uncertainty of the future and not being strong enough to face up to it...afraid of failing. ha...the irony of this world...to have me forced to grow up...to learn to be strong and independent...but in actual fact...am i? even i doubt myself...but apparently the facade i have put up around me have allowed me to elude this question. allowing others too to be convinced that i am fully capable and in control. maybe thats why i have 2sides to me...not that i have any idea which is the so termed normal side. one is most probably the result of having to grow up and be tough on the outside...to not show weakness and prove that i do not need people worrying over me. the other...i guess..would be the side that never wants to grow up...to want to live life as before...without worries and stress...

more problems seem to be rising and more questions raised...mainly within me..questioning myself. to come to a conclusion that i am not worthy..that im far from being worthy. so much work to be done...sacrifices and disciplines that i have to lay down. how am i ever going to prove myself? to give up have always been ringing in my mind...whenever i think of the road i have ahead of me...the long journey ahead..which would only prove to get tougher for me as it goes on. but i have no other alternatives...absolutely no other choice at all...everything hangs on me...there is no escape for me from this form of life. i did not ask for it and neither do i want it...it fell onto me...and the only thing i can do...is to shoulder it on...in order to bring hope to others and not disappoint those with hopes in me...hopefully.

in search of acknowledgement. to prove my worthiness. to not disappoint.

[[ Branched ]]*|2:23 AM|

Friday, January 04, 2008

[[ouch.]]

damn...been siting in front of the comp for so long already...yet i have no idea what to type. so many things i want to say...to get them off my chest...yet somehow i feel that this is not the place for it. its suffocating...maybe im just plain thinking too much...testing the limits of my mentality. all feelings coalescing into a mass of suffering that knocks me breathless...ripping my head and heart apart...

give up...nothing much i can do here anyway...i will be better off watching tv. zzz

__zhihao ..

[[ Branched ]]*|10:14 PM|

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

[[2008]]

happy new year...wonder whats in store this year...zzz.

well..at least i posted on the first day of 2008...

shall see how the year unfolds from now on...day by day...hopefully all is and will be well.

should start thinking of my new year resolutions now...at least before school starts.

im sure its gonna be one hell of a year...rushing like mad and passing in a flash..

please let it pass with as little regrets as possible...

[[ Branched ]]*|3:10 PM|

Friday, December 14, 2007

[[14th dec.]]

wow...its the 14th of december already...4 years without. for the past few years...its like...either coincidence or something...i've been able to have plans on this day...to be preoccupied to think about anything else...it was suppose to be the same this year...but guess fate has other plans for me. to suddenly make me available today. freaky.

weird to have this day without u...but i guess it's already been awhile since i last saw u...so i guess i should make a visit. wonder who i'll meet there...quite sure there will be people. she msged me today too...surprisingly...suddenly...unexpectedly. hopefully my replies werent too weird...wonder if i'll get to see her tomorrow.

aye...at least u made both dates kinda close to each other i guess...only apart by 3months.

ARGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

happy birthday.

[[ Branched ]]*|12:31 AM|

Sunday, November 25, 2007

[[exhaustion.]]

days have been fulfilling recently...going out early in the morning...and only to return late at night. been working for a few days...think its a great thing. working allows me to keep my mind off things...things that i do not wish to deal with or be reminded off...it allows you an alternative space to put all your energy into...so that you would return home finally...exhausted...too tired to even start thinking about things. exhaustion can be such an important feeling at times. not to mention with the help of trainings.

wondering.
with each coming day,
i walk by and never stay,
never once to look back,
for all it does is make me sad,

unknowingly.
to be lost in the train of thoughts,
wondering what is fine and what is not,
but to be engulfed by memories,
that seems to come by with the breeze,

in reality.
though painful and sad they might be,
filled with sorrows as you can see,
yet...
they will always be etched in me,
constantly reminding how cruel life can be,

all in all.
with love comes lost,
with lost comes pain,
with pain comes sorrow,
with sorrow comes learning,
with learning comes growing,

still.
life goes on and thats a fact.
hate it, love it...live it.

__fiEryhA__

[[ Branched ]]*|2:04 AM|

Sunday, November 18, 2007

[[nothing.]]

aye...about a quarter of the holidays are gone already...and i havent really done much. been busy with track stuffs...track board...banner...open house...and of course training. holiday assignments have not been touched at all...obviously...i don't even know what assignments are to be done...but heck...its only a quarter of the holidays...right...?

open house was boring...its like more j1s are around compared to the sec4s...figure that. what a negative impression to give to the sec4s who WERE interested...and how weird was it...that the school find linkin park songs noisy...compared to retarded irritating tunes like UMBRELLA -.-"

its been boring hanging around at home...in front of the tv like the whole day...if not the computer...watching movies after movies...not that im complaining but it really gets boring...caught a lot of nice shows. well...at least there was some fun at home recently...people coming to play mahjong...and i made a new friend...sort of. she seems a fun person. though i lost money -.-"

thinking positive...kind of hard...considering the truth have already been shoved into my face...proving me wrong. in this case...wanting to be positive...would mean to deceive myself...isn't it? since i've always been being positive about it...until now.

for once in a very long time...i stopped by the place yet again...late at night.

always waiting and wishing for the impossible to happen...

[[ Branched ]]*|11:00 PM|